Meet the Koreans

Dear Korean,

How to make Korean parents warm to the idea of a white girl who wants to marry their only son?

Jessica


Dear Korean,

I am a Singaporean and I have been with my Korean boyfriend for 6 months. I am due to meet his parents next month. I speak no Korean and they speak no English. He has a sister who speaks English. I was wondering if I need to impress her. Are Korean mothers influenced much by what their daughters say? I am wondering what are the potential boo-boos I may commit and how deferential should I be to them? When my boyfriend was in Singapore, he was constantly bowing to my parents. No offense to be extra polite, but I am paranoid that I may come across as rude if I forget to bow or something. Moreover, how should I react at dinner? Can I speak? Can I eat before his parents do? Must I finish all the food? Am I expected to help set the table or clear the table? And how should I dress? Most importantly, what kinds of gifts are suitable for a first time meeting?

Clueless


Dear Korean,

I’m getting ready to pop the question to my girl, but want to make sure I do it correct in her families eyes, as well as hers. I am obviously not Korean, but am a white American. I’m in my late thirties, she in her early thirties, so you can just imagine the questions she is hearing from the family whenever she visits. She moved to the US on her own to go to graduate school, and her family soon followed. The rest of her family now lives on the opposite coast of us, so I haven't had the opportunity to meet her family yet. She is the oldest daughter, and would be the first to get married. Anything I should consider before popping the question that would be detrimental to our future if not done correctly? I have a Korean co-workers who could not get married because the families did not get along, and that scares the piss out of me....

레오


Dear Korean,

I am Swiss and engaged with a Korean girl. But her dad is very conservative and seems to be not happy with the fact that his daughter is going to get married with a non-Korean guy. So I am going to see him for the second time in two weeks, but this time he is going to ask me a lot of questions (my girlfriend said) and I have no idea what is he going to ask me and what is he excepting from me to answer!! Could you help me please? I really want to be in good term with her family as they are going part of my family soon.

Matthias


Dear Korean,

I am visiting Korea next month to visit my boyfriend and his family. What type of gifts should I bring his family? On the Internet, it suggests whisky/scotch for the father, a designer type handbag for mother. Any other ideas? I want to be respectful and make a good impression--do you have a list of 'taboos' -things to avoid, as well as things I should be sure to do in order to be accepted?

Janet


Dear Korean Fever Sufferers,

Boy, that’s a popular question. After all, the most popular question to this humble blog is about dating Koreans, so it should not be a surprise that the next step of dating is a popular topic as well.

What are Korean parents like? Again, the Korean urges all of you to not fixate on the parents’ Koreanness, but on the fact that they are parents. Parents worry about their children, and they care about with whom their children are spending the rest of their lives. Every parent in the world would be like this, except only in differing degrees. Some parents care deeply, and some not so much. Likewise, some Korean parents care deeply, and some not so much.

However, on average, you can expect Korean parents to be more protective about their children than American parents, for largely two reasons. First, Korean parents on average tend to invest more into their children. (Doesn’t placenta injection say it all?) So naturally there is more resistance when some random dude/hussy swoops in to snatch their children away. This is more the case if the child is the only child, or is wildly successful. (= doctors, lawyers, professors.) A lot of time and money went into raising that doctorlawyerIndianchief son/daughter.

Second, on the flip side, Korean children tend to be more dependent on their parents for longer period of time. In the U.S., there is (arguably) a clean break between high school and college through which young people step into adulthood. They go away for college or get a job. But since Korea has inadequate college tuition assistance/work study programs compared to the U.S., Korean students must rely on their parents for the college tuition. Also, because everything – people, good schools, good jobs – is concentrated in Seoul, there is no place for young people to go away to. Instead they usually live with their parents into mid-20s, only moving out when they get married. Therefore, marriage is often the first time the parents are separated from their children.

The protectiveness is compounded if a Korean child is marrying a non-Korean. Average Korean parent is concerned about their children being taken away when they are marrying another Korean. Imagine how they would feel when their children are marrying a non-Korean; they react like Martians are abducting their children. On top of that, many Koreans are racists, and generally hate everyone who is not Korean – particularly if darker. The prospect of having mongrel grandchildren (from a racist Korean’s perspective) is not very appealing either.

Herein lies the clue about what to do with Korean parents. All the taboos and do’s-and-don’t’s are secondary to this most paramount concern: you must convince the parents that their child is not going anywhere. Show your willingness to visit them often, and your willingness to do things the Korean way without challenging the parents’ authority. That includes learning basic Korean, eating all Korean food well, celebrating Korean holidays, vowing to teach children Korean language and culture, learning Korean etiquettes, and so on.

With that grand aim in mind, here are some basic pointers.

- Dress well. Collared shirt and slacks for men; wearing a suit and tie is not overdoing it. For women, very conservative dress - absolutely no pants or cleavage. Pretend you are going to meet the President and you would have it about right.

- Learn a lot of Korean. You have to be able to talk with the parents. Call them eomeonim (mother) and abeonim (father), as married people are supposed to consider in-law parents as their own.

- This may be too obvious, but the Korean has seen it happen: DO NOT CALL THEM BY THEIR NAMES. You NEVER address your elder/superior by their names – slapping them in the face would be less rude than that.

- Do not show any affection to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Any display of affection is considered crass; it’s definitely not something you do before your elders. Keep your significant other at an arm’s length without drifting away from him/her. Do not look at him/her, and definitely do not touch him/her. Try not to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend unless absolutely necessary. Holding hands might be ok.

- This is slightly over the top, but it will impress the parents about the knowledge of Korean etiquette: do a deep bow (jeol) for them when you meet. (You can see the example here. Click the picture to make it move.) Deep bow is now rarely used in Korea other than special situations, but accepting two new people as your own parents count as such a situation.

- If you happen to sit on the floor instead of on a chair, kneel until you are told otherwise. This won’t be comfortable, but your comfort should be the last one of your concerns. By making yourself uncomfortable, you are signaling respect.

- Do not look elders in their eyes. Locking eyes is very rude. When you talk, keep your gaze slightly low. (As an aside, after more than a decade in the U.S., the Korean still cannot look people in their eyes when he talks. He stares at people’s mouths instead.)

- When eating, dare to eat the most exotic looking thing on the table. Finish your food, and look happy as you eat – if you don’t like Korean food, you have no chance.

- Do not touch anything on the table (including utensils) until the eldest person (usually the father) begins eating. Do not leave the table until the eldest person leaves. Say thank you before and after the meal.

- Learn to use chopsticks gracefully, not like a freakin' toddler.

- Listen a lot, speak little, agree always. Especially if you are a woman.

- If you are a man, drink. You are not a man if you do not drink. Pour drinks with two hands, and receive drinks with two hands. Never pour yourself. For your first sip, turn your head away as you drink.

- If you are a woman, help out in the kitchen. Help setting up and cleaning. Knowing how to cook Korean food is a plus. (Are these things sexist? You bet they are, but your aim is to please sexist people. Koreans are about 70 percent likely to be racist, but 95 percent likely to be sexist.)

- Bring gifts. Scotch is a great idea for fathers, and so is a designer bag for mothers, because generally things that are relatively cheap outside of Korea are good. Health products are good as well. But they do not have to be expensive – not at the first meeting anyway. Flowers would often suffice. Do not forget about grandparents or other relatives if they are in the picture.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Korean generally does not trust Wikipedia, contrary to the trend. Something like this is the reason why.

Under "South Korean Culture" entry of Wikipedia, these words are found:

"South Korea also has an alarmingly high plastic surgery rate. 76% of Korean women in their 20's and 30's have undergone plastic surgery. 25% of Korean mothers who have daughters between the ages of 12 and 16 suggested plastic surgery to their daughter according to Korean's "Pantheon of Fucked-Up Statistics""

Does that look familiar? Yes, those are the words from the Korean's post about plastic surgery. Something that is clearly meant as a joke now occupies a place in Wikipedia. (That is, the words "Pantheon of Fucked-up Statistics", not the numbers themselves. The numbers are legit.) If that is not fixed within a few days, the Korean will never look at Wikipedia again.

-EDIT 5/27/08- The threat worked, and the offending language was removed.

Ask A Korean! News: Placenta Injection?!

This Dong-A Ilbo article plainly shows the lengths of fuckedupness Korean people will go for the slightest edge in getting into a better college. The article is in Korean; translation follows.

Mysterious College Entrance Exam Injection Tempts Parents

"Studying is hard, isn't it? One shot will take care of the fatigue."

Exam re-taker [the Korean's note: it is common for Korean students to not enter college after high school right away, but study for a year to re-take the College Entrance Exam, held once a year] Mr. Yoon (19 years old, Seoul Gangnam-gu Gaepo-dong) [TKN: it is common for Korean newspapers to only write last name for the sake of anonymity] recently visited a gynecologist with his mother. His mother took him to the clinic, hearing from an exam-taker next door that there was an injection effective for relieving fatigue.

"Exam takers have a 'May slump', but after the shot I think I can concentrate better, although it could be just me," Mr. Yoon said. He added, "I have several friends who said they received injections from dermatologists, cosmetic surgeons, and other clinics."

As 2009 College Scholastic Aptitude Exam approaches in five months, there are increasing cases among parents in Seoul Gangnam area [TKN: read "wealthy"] having their children receive so-called "well-being injections", such as placenta injection [TKN: holy shit], garlic injection [TKN: what the fuck], licorice injection [TKN: licorice is actually a common ingredient in oriental medicine, but nonetheless, seriously?] which are said to lead to better conditions and increased focus.

* High-priced Injection Gains Popularity - They were initially popular among middle-aged women as "Health Injection" or "Anti-Aging Injection", but they are recently referred to as "Entrance Exam Injection", as words spread that they were effective in fatigue relief and illness prevention.

Placenta and licorice injection costs $50 a shot, and garlic injection fetches $100 a shot. Placenta injection is administered usually twice a week for ten weeks, totaling up to $1,000.

G Cosmetic Surgery Clinic [TKN: G is not the name, just an initial for the purpose of anonymity] in Seoul Gangnam-gu said "we have five, six students who come to receive these shots," adding "there are many cases right before midterm or final exam period."

Administrator at H Skin Clinic in Seoul Gangnam-gu Yeoksam-dong said "Parents choose injection therapy to supply nutrition for exam takers, who don't have a lot of time," and also said "the advantage is that they are fast-acting, because the healing substances are concentrated to multiple degrees."

Among wealthier students, there are cases in which they fly over to Japan in order to receive "Immune Cell Injection", which cancer patients use as a natural therapy. Mr. Han (47 years old, Seoul Seocho-gu Jamwon-dong) said "I heard from business partners in Japan that Korean students come to receive shots," and said "my son, who is senior in high school, is a bit sickly so I had him receive an injection in Japan last winter."

Because Immune Cell Injection takes two weeks to culture the cells taken from one's own blood, it requires two trips to Japan. Mr. Han spent roughly $5,000, including $3,000 medical cost, flight tickets and hotel.

* Experts Concerned about Dubious Benefit and Side Effects - Professor Ye, Sang-Gyu, of Seoul National University Pharmacology, said "it is said that only immune cells are separately selected and cultured in the process of creating immune cell therapy injection, but in the culturing process the immune cell may multiply into other types of cell, breaking the balancing of immune response." He also warned,"If the immune response is too strong, other disease that did not exist before may develop, such as allergy or asthma."

Professor Yoo, Joon-Hyeon, of Samsung Seoul Hospital Family Medicine, said "If placenta is turned into an injection without treating it for latent virus, it may cause viral infection," adding "There is no persuasive empirical data about the benefits of placenta, and it is a problem that people receive shots without checking the medicine's safety."

Official at Food and Drug Safety Administration advised "Because these injections are not approved for fatigue relief or immunization purposes, one should not trust exaggerated or false advertisement or unconfirmed rumors." [TKN: Um, then why aren't you banning them?]

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

If you would like to know what horrible costs wars incur, look no further than the mass graves in Korea, filled with thousands of Koreans who were killed by their own army during the Korean War.

Thank you Debbie K. for the tip.

Those Korean Beaners

Dear Korean,

Why do Koreans love coffee so much? I went to Korea as an exchange student couple of years and ago and was amazed at how much and often Koreans drink coffee. I'm not much of a coffee person and when I either declined or told people I didn't drink coffee, they looked at me as if I had told them that I had 15 toes!

Confused Within

Dear Confused,

The Korean does not drink coffee either – it hurts his stomach. So everything about coffee in this post is basically hearsay from Korean people who actually drink coffee.

Coffee was first introduced to Korea in early 20th century. There is record indicating that the last king/emperor of Joseon Dynasty had coffee at the Russian embassy. The general public started drinking coffee around 1920s, when coffee shops began to appear. But the popularity of coffee really took off after Korean War, when instant coffee in U.S. military ration came into Korean society.

Like you said, Koreans LOVE coffee. Many Koreans drink it after every meal, and in between meals. Compared to what Americans drink, the coffee that most Koreans prefer tastes watered down, with excessive amount of coffee creamer and sugar. Americans in Korea bitterly complain that Starbucks is the only place to get any decent coffee in Korea.

But why do Koreans like coffee so much? To be sure, it’s likely that people all over the world like coffee in general. The Korean is yet to find a country that categorically rejects coffee drinking. Rather, each country has its own preferred coffee flavor and rituals.

The Korean’s best guess – for which he has no empirical data to back up with – is that coffee fit nicely into Korean people’s eating habits. Korean people regularly drink tea while entertaining guests, so coffee would have been an easy replacement. Koreans also traditionally had soong-nyoong (water boiled in rice pot with scraps of rice left over – sounds unappetizing written that way, but absolutely delicious) after meals, so coffee easily replaces that as well.

More generally, soup is essential in Korean cuisine, and Korean people consistently crave hot, broth-y things. So sure enough, the preferred Korean coffee is weak and watery, just like soup broth.

Funny thing is that although the way Korean people enjoy coffee is nearly unlike any other in the world, Koreans regard their coffee-drinking habit as decidedly foreign. That is probably why you got funny looks from Koreans when you said you don’t drink coffee. Because how could it be – we are drinking American beverage, and someone from America does not drink coffee? Surely it is absurd, like a Korean who does not drink soju.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Are you a Korean American? Then take this official survey, and contribute to greater knowledge about who we are.

Thank you Jennifer K. for the link.

The Korean briefly touched upon Korean adultery laws in this post; now a New York Times article nicely lays out the legal battle that is raging on this issue.

People magazine did a feature on Rain, now of Speed Racer fame. Too bad they have the wrong guy's picture. All Asians look alike? You tell the Korean.

Do you ever wonder why people from other countries, even those who are supposed to be allies, hate America? Shit like this is one of the reasons.

Getting an American visa in Korea is a massive pain in the ass, and the Korean is positive that visa-processing alone makes Koreans hate America more than they otherwise would.

Happy Mother's Day for all the moms out there. As usual, the best reaction belongs to the Korean Father.

-Last Friday, on the phone-

The Korean: Dad, Sunday is Mother's Day.
Korean Father: Yeah, I know.
TK: Take mom out to a nice dinner or something.
KF: When is father's day?

So um, we will be celebrating Father's Day when it comes.

Interesting, and rare, post about race relations on Deadspin.

Becoming Korean Citizen

-EDIT 2/3/2010- Update on immigration law is available at this post. Please read both posts for complete information.

Dear Korean,

I am a white guy born a U.S. citizen. I know the mechanics of becoming a U.S. citizen. If I were to relocate to South Korea, what would I have to do to become a citizen? Is it even possible?

Flame away if you like, I enjoy your perspective.

Doug


Dear Doug,

The Korean can smell the stench of your intention behind the question all the way out in New York. But it’s a straight question, and the Korean will give a straight answer. Yes, it is possible for one to immigrate to Korea and obtain Korean citizenship, even though Korea is not known as a popular immigration destination.

There are largely three ways obtaining Korean citizenship: General naturalization, simplified naturalization, and special naturalization.

First, general naturalization. There are five requirements:

1. Maintain a legal address for five years in Korea
2. Must be an adult, according to Korean law (= 20 years old)
3. Must have clean and orderly behavior (= no criminals or those with communicable disease)
4. Must have the ability to support oneself, or must have other family members who can support the whole family (usually proven by a professional license, real estate deeds, or a bank account with at least $30,000)
5. Must have basic Korean language ability and knowledge about Korean culture (involves written test and an interview – the test is around fourth grade level.)

The only real difficulty in general naturalization is maintaining legal address in Korea for five years, because realistically, the only way to legally stay in Korea for five years is to have a job in Korea – one cannot maintain an address in Korea for five years with tourist visa. But compared to U.S. immigration law, the requirements are surprisingly lax. There is no quota for immigrants, or any requirements as to the type of jobs one may have. The person only has to legally live in Korea for five years.

Second, simplified naturalization. Since having legal address for five years is the most difficult part, certain people in the following can get around it. Namely:

1. If one of your parents was a Korean citizen. (Emphasis on “was”. It’s ok if your parent renounced Korean citizenship.)
2. If you were born in Korea, and one of your parents was born in Korea.
3. If you are an adult adoptee of a Korean citizen.

People under 1 through 3 only have to maintain legal address in Korea for three years. But there are more categories of people who can apply for simplified naturalization.

4. If your spouse is Korean, and maintained legal Korean address for two years while being married
5. If your spouse is Korean, and stayed married for three years, while maintaining legal Korean address for one year
6. If you could not meet the requirements of items 4 or 5 because the spouse died, went missing, or the marriage could not continue through no fault of the person, and you filled the years requirements without being married
7. If you could not meet the requirements of items 4 or 5, but is raising or will raise a minor child out of the marriage, and you filled the years requirement without being married.

Again, the Korean would say this is pretty generous compared to the U.S., especially items 2, 3, and 7.

Third, special naturalization. Every requirement under general naturalization, except “clean and orderly behavior”, is waived if:

1. One of your parents is Korean citizen. (Unless you are an adult adoptee.)
2. You contributed greatly to Korea, subject to the President’s approval.

So Doug, get your paperwork ready. Getting a job in Korea should be a breeze – the Korean hears there are a lot of teaching opportunities, even though you misspelled several words in your very short email.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

-EDIT: 5/11/2008- Doug emailed the Korean after seeing the post, and assured that there was no ill intention behind the question. So fellas, go easy on him.

-EDIT: 12/9/2008- This post is strictly based on what is publicly available through Korea Immigration Agency website. If you have a specific question about your status, please consult the KIA, Korean embassy/consulate (if you are not in Korea), or an immigration attorney.

The Korean is in the news. (The article is in Korean.)

-EDIT 5/2/2008- FINE, the Korean will give an English translation.

The article was on Korea Daily, a Korean-language newspaper in New York. The interview was done in Korean, so the translation (especially the Korean's quotes) is kind of awkward.


Ask A Korean!

"Ask A Korean" Answers Korean Cultural Questions Posed by Second-Generation Koreans, non-Koreans/ Half of the questions come from 1.5-2nd generation, also from Southeast Asia/Non-Korean Ask about Korean Men the Most


"Is it ok to marry a Korean man?" "What does Andong Kim mean?"

These are the questions submitted to "Ask a Korean", a blog to which people can ask about Korean culture. The questions of course come from the U.S., but they also come from Canada, Korea, Australia, Southeast Asia.

"The Korean", who has been writing the blog since 2006, hides his identity behind a mask. All that is known is that he has lived in Korea until he was 16 when he moved to California, and he is a Korean man in his late 20s living in New York. This reporter met "the Korean" on the condition of anonymity.

*Understanding Misunderstood Culture - "I try to answer all questions from second generation Koreans."

The Korean always try to answer questions from second generation Koreans, who comprise about half of all questioners.

"For second generation Koreans who do not live in Los Angeles or New York, their parents are the only window into Korean culture. So there are many things that they misunderstand a lot about it."

Because the parents often say "this is how Koreans do things" without thinking, he said there are many cases in which the particularities of a family is confused with characteristics of all Koreans.

Korean adoptees ask as well. They would give the Korean their Korean name, asking for its meaning; they would also ask about Korean spelling of their name, intending to tattoo their name. A mixed-heritage Korean also asked "my mother keeps on saying I am Andong Kim, what does that mean?"

One non-Korean asked, "I have a Korean neighbor -- what's wrong with Korean culture?" The Korean replied, "it's not Korean culture, it's your neighbor."

The variety of the questions is infinite, including hojeok, family relations, Korean grammar. Many questions require weeks and months of study and reflection.

"I really learn a lot. All the different areas like Korean culture, history, and society all connect through the blog."

* What are Korean men like? - "I am trying to meet a Korean man through a broker. Is that ok?"

The most common question is about Korean men. The question is especially frequent from Southeast Asian women.

There was a case in which a Filipina who lived in Korea through marriage asked for the Korean's help. The woman, who was being abused by her husband in a country without any acquaintance, found the Korean on the Internet and told her circumstances. The Korean introduced her to an organization that helped abused Filipinas in Korea.

Other non-Korean women who are dating or married to Korean men ask similar questions. One non-Korean woman said "my boyfriend's mother is too cold to me," and asked how to be more recognized from Korean parents.

The Korean's alma mater (that he dropped out after a year,) described with horror in New York Times. Make no mistake, the Korean educational system is deeply flawed. But once Koreans figure out the right way to invest all those hours from their students, they will leave Americans in the dust.

Super Special Korean Emotions?

Dear Korean,

I used to live in Korea and was recently reading something about a description for Korean emotion called ‘Chung’. I am not sure of the spelling of this, so am hopefully not confusing you. I skimmed through the article and saved it for later, only to discover I saved the wrong thing. Do you know anything about this? I asked a Korean friend, and didn’t get very far on account of his English not being ‘all that’.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

The spelling was good enough, since the Korean got the idea. Technically the correct Romanization rule would make the word transliterated as jeong, but not even Korean people are fully versed in Romanization rules anyway. Jeong is a word that denotes a mixture of affection and attachment.

Especially with pets, jeong is closer to “attachment”. The word is frequently used in parents’ attempt to get their child let go of a stray cat – as in, “get rid of it before you develop jeong for it.” It is equivalent to “get rid of it before you get attached.” In a similar sense, a person with a lot of jeong is a person who gets attached to people/animals easily.

With other situations, jeong is closer to “affection”. Various actions are considered to be “with” or “without” jeong. For example, when you are serving rice from the pot into the bowl, you are supposed to serve it in two small scoops instead of one large scoop, because serving only once does not show affection. It is an action without jeong.

But beyond the ordinary use of the word, what Koreans believe to be unique about jeong is largely in two ways: (1) to describe random acts of kindness between people who barely know each other or total strangers; (2) to describe Korean people’s preference for informal processes.

In the first sense, jeong is especially used to describe the action of giving small, gratuitous gift – such action is full of jeong. A particularly close neighborhood is described as full of jeong, in which the neighbors act in a way that displays jeong – i.e. helping out and being nice to each other.

In fact, this is the marketing pitch for one of the most successful Korean exports, namely Choco-Pie. Vintage Choco-Pie commercials would show various situations where a small packet of Choco-Pie is given as a gift. (For example, a “good job” gift from teacher to student; “keep up the good work” gift from a passerby to a hard-working street sweeper, etc.) The last second of the commercial would give this line in a soft tone: “Choco-Pie is jeong.”

Another way in which Koreans claim that jeong is special to Koreans is that, compared to America and other Western societies, Koreans are more likely to rely on informal processes. For example, if a Korean person screws up in a job, the boss would yell at him first. But later the boss would take the employee out for dinners and drinks, to establish a bond (= jeong) and show that nothing personal was involved.

Whereas in America and other Western societies, (at least in the images in Korean people's head,) your performance would be evaluated on a dry piece of paper, and you are fired mercilessly if you cannot measure up, no matter how well you built a personal bond with your boss and coworkers. The entire process is heartless, and no jeong is involved.

But the Korean disagrees that jeong is anything particular to Koreans. The fact that Koreans believe so only highlights how narrow-minded stereotypes (about themselves no less!) continue to live on.

Jeong in the first sense can be found almost anywhere in the world. Anyone who traveled extensively would know that random acts of kindness are not particularly difficult to find. Even in New York, which has a reputation to be brusque city, the Korean has no difficulty finding strangers helping each other out. In short, jeong is not anything specific to Koreans; it is human nature.

Jeong in the second sense is even less defensible as uniquely Korean. In an example that the Korean gave, top-flight Korean companies like Samsung already employs the same heartless system that any American firm would. Formal process is a natural outcome of a society that pursues greater economic efficiency. It is also a natural outcome of a society that is increasingly individualized because of economic growth. After all, when people are forced to interact with complete strangers all the time, formal process is the only process people can turn to.

More broadly, the Korean believes that there is no such thing as “uniquely [insert culture’s name here] emotion”. Humans are all the same, and they are all capable of the same range of emotions. The only difference is the circumstances in which a particular group of humans are placed that generate such emotions. Then only thing that is unique about a “uniquely Korean emotion” is the experience that generated that emotion.

But a student of world history knows that, at the end of the day, the experience of the Korean people is not truly unique. Sure, Koreans were historically oppressed; but that oppression is nothing compared to the oppression suffered by, say, the Irish. And sure enough, Irish literature has a flavor that is strongly like Korean literature.

Bottom line: There is no point discussing a “uniquely Korean emotion”. A Korean who talks about that nonsense is someone who has not traveled or read enough to realize that it is all crap. It is a meaningless label in an attempt to distinguish Koreans from others somehow.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Ask away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Korean is being crushed at work, so this comes a bit late... but check it out below, fellow soju drinkers:

Dear Korean:

We are a NYC marketing consultancy seeking soju drinkers of legal age for a research project. If you know of anyone who may be interested (yourself included) please refer them to Craigslist--marketing/pr/advertising-section--listed on 4/11/08 and featuring the above headline. Thank you.

Good article on NY Times today about how ridiculous our immigration system is.

Interesting article about former president Roh Moo-Hyun in today's New York Times.

Korean Women are Special Creatures (Not)

Dear Korean,

My wife is Korean. I am Texan. She claims that there are many physiological differences between Asian and Caucasian women, and that is why they have to take care of their bodies in different ways when preparing for pregnancy, during pregnancy, and just after giving birth. How is it that information from mom and eonni is better than information from a doctor who has been to school for 8+ years and have years of experience on top of that?

There are just short of 13 million Asians in America, which is roughly a quarter of the population of South Korea. I am sure we would have some findings regarding racial differences on the Internet somewhere. Albeit, I have searched high and low on the Internet for information regarding any physiological differences between Asian and Caucasian women and men and have found squat. I think she is full of ddong, but just doesn't realize it.

Can you point me in any direction regarding information on physiological differences among Asians and Caucasians?

Floored,

Chris

Dear Chris on the Floor,

The Korean is Californian. So what? Next time, just say you are white. The white guilt has reached to such a degree that white people no longer say, “I am white.” They instead say things like “I am a Texan”, “I am a New Englander”, etc, which is even more insulting for non-white Texans and New Englanders.

But onto your question. The short answer is yes, your wife is indeed full of ddong (=shit. Hey, you said it, not the Korean.) One caveat going forward: The Korean is not a doctor, so this may be wrong in some ways. However, as far as the Korean knows, there is no real physiological difference between Asian woman and Caucasian woman. Asian women, by and large, tend to be smaller, have narrower hips, and they tend to be prone to osteoporosis. However, such characteristics are no different from a small white woman.

(As an aside, by eliminating “doctor” from the possibilities of the Korean’s occupation, he may have given away what he does for living. After all, all Koreans are either doctors or …?)

Then the question is: why does your wife (and her mother and sister) say such a thing? It is because many American doctors, with their 8+ years of training and experience, are nonetheless full of shit as well. Over 50 centuries of history, Koreans (along with Chinese and Japanese) developed their own approach to personal health that is seldom understood by doctors of Western training.

Take the post-birth seaweed soup, for example. New Korean mothers’ having only seaweed soup for three weeks has a strong scientific basis – namely, seaweed is extremely rich in iron and iodine. Iron is necessary to replace the blood lost during childbirth, and iodine kick-starts hormone production that enables breastfeeding. The broth is usually made of beef or fish, which provides protein and calcium.

However, an average Korean does not know the scientific basis behind having only seaweed soup for three weeks after birth; they only know that, after thousands of years of trial-and-error, it works. Imagine telling the doctor: “I don’t need the iodine and iron supplements; I will be having seaweed soup for three weeks in a row.” Very few doctors in America would approve of that, since most do not understand the nutritional value of seaweed soup.

The same goes to other Asian medicines such as herbal extracts, acupuncture, or diagnosis by pulse (picture). Asian medicines in fact have a very complex theory behind it; it’s just that it is completely different from the theories behind Western medicine. Any explanation that involves the chi flow in the body would only invite scoffs from Western doctors as rank superstition. But Koreans know from experience that they all work.

So how do Koreans reconcile the tension? Often, they rationalize by saying that Western and Oriental medicines have different foci. While Western medicine focuses on getting rid of specific illness, Oriental medicine focuses on changing the composition of the body so that it will be more resistant to illness in general.

Another way of rationalization is saying exactly what your wife says: Koreans/Asians are just different. If a white doctor insists that a traditional remedy does not work, but self-experiment shows over and over again that it does work, it is one of the possible conclusions to say that Koreans are just different from white people in their physiology. It is especially easy to arrive at this conclusion given that, again, many Koreans are racists.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Korean Drama Queen

Thanks to reader Shirley, here is a smattering of questions about what goes on in Korean dramas.

Lest there should be any misunderstanding, the Korean FUCKING DETESTS KOREAN DRAMAS. The Korean hates the inanely twisted plot lines; identical faces enabled by plastic surgery; sub-par acting; and so many other reasons. The Korean will never understand people’s obsession with them. Never. Not ever.

But the Korean promised to answer any question, and he is a man of his word. So here it goes.

Dear Korean,

I have several questions regarding Korean family rules, legal matters and behaviors . . .

Regarding marriage:

Regarding the Korean TV Show, Daughters-In-Law why is the Yi family up in arms over Yi Boknam's relationship with Inu who is Boknam's brother-in-law by marriage? Is dating taboo between in-laws in Korea: i.e., especially when Boknam's brother, Yi Boksu married Inu's sister, Minji?

I just do not understand what the fuss is about between two Korean people not related by blood, but only related by marriage. Why do Korean families get heart attacks over this type of relationship and why is this considered unacceptable marriage?

To be sure, dating in-law is certainly not against Korean law, nor is it necessarily against Korean custom. There is in fact a historical precedent, when King Taejong of Shilla Dynasty was married to a sister of Gim Yushin, his lord chamberlain. In turn, Gim Yushin married Taejong’s sister, i.e. his sister-in-law. However, for most older (=very conservative) Koreans, relation by marriage is relation nonetheless. The in-laws have a certain obligation of respect toward each other, and a romantic relationship definitely flies in the face of that obligation.

But the drama (like all Korean dramas) probably overstated the conflict. A quick Internet search on the topic reveals that in this day and age, Korean people do not really care whether someone dates his or her in-law.

Why is it so vulgar or uncouth to show affection to your spouse such as kissing your spouse good-bye at the front door outside the bedroom as in the TV Show, Likeable Or Not?

Traditionally for male Koreans under 50, any show of affection is vulgar. It compromises the male authority to put himself in a position to be dictated by the actions of a subordinate, namely women and children. Korean culture apologists would say love is implied, without the physical gesture. The Korean’s opinion is that there was in fact little love in a traditional Korean marriage.

Although such is no longer the case in modern Korea, kissing is still considered a bit too racy to be done in public. However, this is changing very rapidly, and you can very easily see younger married couple exchanging pecks at the front door.

Why do Kings in the TV Show, Six Martyred Ministers get to choose their own spouses through a courtesan line-up when a typical Korean family tradition rules the parents must choose the spouse for their sons and daughters? Is a King above the Korean traditional custom alleviating the need for the Mother Queen to choose the King's spouse?

Are you kidding? He is the king! He is the living dragon! The king gets to do anything he damn well pleases, and that includes defying his parents. Also, the rule that parents choose their children’s spouses is not strictly enforced, not even in the most traditional times in Korea. It is more of a trend than a rule.

(By the way, Six Martyred Ministers was the first TV series in which TV studios from North Korea and South Korea collaborated.)

Is it against Korean Law to date or see a married individual on a constant basis despite the fact the other individual had no prior knowledge the person whom they were dating is married?

No. However, it would be against the law for the married person to have a sexual relationship with a person other than the spouse. Korean laws of adultery are arcane and complex. Therefore, it is the favorite weapon of cuckold husbands and jilted wives, who do not hesitate to exaggerate and lie about the reach of the law. The adultery law itself is a subject of a heated debate; there are currently three pending cases in the Constitutional Court of Korea asking to declare the law unconstitutional.

Regarding family registry documentation:

In the TV Show, Ajumma the divorced husband goes to the marriage clerk's office with both his officiating stamp and his ex-wife's stamp to enter into remarrying his ex-wife. Why isn't it necessary for both parties to be physically present in Korea when officiating marriage documentation before the marriage clerk?

Also, while the ex-husband is at the marriage clerk's office, why at the last second is the ex-wife notified by phone about the re-marriage certificate when the ex-wife should have been present initially? Why is a verbal phone call accepted by the marriage clerk accepting or declining the remarriage certificate as legally acceptable documentation?

The key is the “officiating stamp”. Instead of a signature, Koreans use an officiating stamp to show the legal effect of a document. The stamp is usually a person’s name in calligraphic Chinese characters. Each Korean adult MUST have an officiating stamp, and the shape of each stamp is filed in the government records.

For many legal instruments in Korea, the presence of the person is not required, because each person is assumed to have an exclusive control over his or her officiating stamp. In other words, your officiating stamp is a portable power-of-attorney; you are supposed to guard it with extreme care. In the Korean Parents’ case, the stamp is securely placed in the Bag-To-Be-Taken-Out-First-In-Case-Of-A-Fire.

Of course, it is entirely possible for someone to steal the stamp and misuse it. Legal actions are required to rectify the damage in such a case. It’s not much different from being on the hook for a loan because someone forged your signature.

Whereas in Happy Woman why isn't both mother and father present during family registry documentation registration at the clerk's office when adding or removing a child from a family registry?

That part is just incorrect. Adding or removing a child from family registry requires litigation before the court; it cannot be done at the clerk’s office.

Is it legal in Korean Law for a grandparent to abscond a grandchild living with the mother without legal documentation and force the child to live with the grandparents?

Yes. If there is no documentation, technically the birth mother has no legal relation to the child. Then the child belongs to the next of kin, which may be his or her grandparents. Of course, under the current system of family registration, the mother would always have documentation; if she does not, creating documentation is a simple matter.

However, in the bad old days when women could not be a “head of household” for family registration purposes, the following scenario would force the woman into a legal non-relation with her child:

Father has an illegitimate Child with Mother. Child is registered under Father’s registry; however, Mother raises Child, having little contact with Father. Father dies. (Paternal) Grandfather assumes Father’s registry, thereby assuming the relation with Child. In this case, Mother has no legal relation with Child, and Grandfather is Child’s next-of-kin. Therefore, Grandfather would be the only legal guardian for Child.

But please note that this no longer happens. Mother is now allowed to have her own registry; she would simply put Child under her registry, and no more complications.

Asking for forgiveness:

Is it mandatory to fervently rub your hands together asking for forgiveness? What happens if you do not make this physically dramatic gesture when begging for forgiveness? Why is it not necessary to rub your hands together when you say you are sorry? What is the difference between sorry and asking for forgiveness? Should being sorry be the same as asking for forgiveness?

No, it is not mandatory. It is an old gesture that is not really done anymore. But far be it from Korean dramas to conform to reality. Also, saying sorry and asking for forgiveness are two different things in Korean language – the difference is a matter of degree. You say sorry when you stepped on someone’s foot; you beg for forgiveness if you damaged someone’s valuable heirloom or worse. In the latter instance, you literally beg by rubbing your hands. But again, such gesture is rarely done in modern Korea, except in drastic and dramatic situations.

Grandmother as Matriarch in Family:

Daughters-In-Law depicts the Yi's Grandmother as the true head of the Yi household. Why is the Grandmother the matriarch of the family rather than the Grandmother's son, Yi Suggil, not the Patriarch of the Yi family? Why does the Grandmother have the last say in the Yi family and why is the entire Yi family fearful of Grandmother?

Shirley, it’s a goddamn drama. People always make the mistake of attributing culture to an exotic population’s every behavior, when in fact they act mostly according to the same principles that govern our own behavior. Family power structure entirely depends on the particular family. The cultural norms of favoring males and old people are valid forms of power within a Korean family, but so is money and social status.

For example, the Korean Father’s family consists of father (before he passed last year at the age of 92), mother, three sons and two daughters, with the Korean Father being the middle son. If custom is followed strictly, father would have the most say, then the first-born son, second son, third son, followed by mother, then daughters.

However, because father (=the Korean Grandfather) was a wastrel who pissed his life away, he had almost no say in the family matters. The Korean Father, the youngest son, and the youngest daughter had the most power in the family because they turned out to be the wealthiest. In fact, this situation would have made a fine Korean drama, because there was a constant struggle between father and the oldest son (who had to support his parents according to his duty) on one side and younger sons and daughter on the other side.

Discipline:

Why is there an excessive amount of yelling and hitting in the families I see on Korean TV Shows? Is hitting and yelling considered normal in a Korean family's behavior?

No and yes. One big reason why the Korean hates Korean dramas is because there is excessive yelling that hurts the Korean’s ears. The amount of yelling and hitting shown in Korean dramas is usually reserved for a truly dysfunctional family – but there is no shortage of yelling and hitting within any dysfunctional family in the world.

In addition, this is what the Korean previously wrote about yelling in Korean dramas:

“Characters in Korean dramas yell for the same reason characters in Bollywood movies sing - it's a cheap way to convey emotional content without relying on sophisticated dialogues or acting. Not that all Korean producers and actors are incapable of using such things: many Korean movies excel in conveying emotion through the subtlest subtleties. But Korean dramas appeal to, shall we say, a less sophisticated audience. The Korean has a feeling that this may change at some point: there has got to be a market in Korea for artfully made television series, like Six Feet Under or Friday Night Lights in the U.S. But as long as there will be ajummas who sit on their asses doing nothing but watching dramas in Korea, there will be yelling in Korean dramas.”

However, there is definitely more yelling and hitting in an average Korean family compared to an average American family, although the amount of yelling and hitting hardly reaches the level displayed in Korean dramas.

Why more yelling? Contrary to popular images of calm, stoic Asians, Koreans are very liberal with their emotion, especially when it comes to excitement and anger. Both emotions are conducive to a lot of yelling. Also, physical discipline is commonplace in Korea, from very young age. So it is very normal see physical discipline extend to older age. In fact, the Korean thinks Americans are made soft because they shy away from physical discipline.

Are we done now? Thank God. Stupid dramas.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com