Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Korean Men

Dear Ladies,

According to Gustavo Arellano, the most common question for the Mexican is “Why do Mexicans swim with their clothes on?” Well, for the Korean, the most common question is this: “[Who/what/when/why/how] do Korean guys [like/dislike/act/feel] [in/about/with/for] girls?”

Most of those questions come with a ridiculously long background story – so the Korean knows what the email is going to be about if the sender is something like fluffypuppiesandkittens@yahoo.com and the email size is around 200KB. Some of those emails were answered on this space, some privately, and some not at all, because the Korean doesn’t even know where to begin with those.

Some of the emails are simply the result of Korean men being around non-Korean women, but many of the emails seem to be a direct result of the recent popularity of Korean dramas and the male actors in them. (For example, Kwon Sang-Wu in the picture.) Korean guys are now singled out as a category, and they seem to feature in amorous fantasies of many non-Korean women. The Korean compiled the most frequent questions and their answers below.

Do Korean guys go for non-Korean [white, black, Latina, South Asian, Southeast Asian, Martian] girls?

If there is only one thing to remember about Korean men, it’s this: they are men before they are Korean. Do you have breasts and a vagina? Then at least some Korean men would go for you. It’s relatively uncommon, but hey, interracial dating is always relatively uncommon.

The Korean cannot stress this point enough: KOREAN MEN ARE EXACTLY THE SAME AS ALL MEN. Korean dramas feed upon the fact that you womenfolks are always trying to find some men that do not exist in real world. Please just let it go. No man expects to find a woman who cooks like Rachel Ray and screws like Jenna Jameson. Same should go for your expectation on your man.

What qualities do Korean guys look for in a woman / What can I do to make this Korean guy like me?

The Korean covered this topic before: try cooking for him. But that advice usually works for all men. There is no love serum that especially works on Korean men. Just be yourself. The Korean Girlfriend’s advice? Give him a head. (She’s a keeper.)

Why do Korean guys want to get married so soon?

The Korean tangentially covered this as well. There is a huge pressure to be married by a certain age. Once that age is past, it’s as if Koreans are on fire sale. This is worse with Korean women, but men are definitely affected by this as well.

What does it mean if a Korean guy gives you [four leaf clover/hairpin/doll/other silly trinkets]?

There is no such thing as “ultra super special Korean guy-to-girl gift”, except possibly on certain days. (Described here.) Gift is no more than a gift. If it has an uber secret hidden message, he would probably tell you. Remember, girls are the ones who like to play detective games with clues and such. Guys never put in that much effort, except when they stop calling you back.

Why does my Korean boyfriend cannot share his feelings? Why does this Korean guy who seems to like me only talk to me on and off? Why am I in the middle of this Greek tragedy involving myself and a Korean guy?

Here’s the answer – I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. Stop flooding the Korean’s inbox with your 20-page sob story! If you want some genuine help, go read this instead. The Korean will say this one more time: Korean men are men before they are Korean. Whatever relationship problem you are having, 99 percent of it has to do with the fact that he is a man, and maybe 1 percent of it has to do with the fact that he is Korean. Before you send that email to the address on the bottom, please, please, PLEASE think through your situation, eliminate ALL possible non-cultural explanations first, and then ask if you have to.

After this post, if you still have a question about Korean men, it had better be good.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

-EDIT 3/20/2008 11:35 a.m.- SPECIAL ADVISORY TO LADIES FROM PHILIPPINES, VIETNAM, AND OTHER SOUTHEAST ASIAN COUNTRIES


The Korean recently noticed that many people from above countries (presumably women) are getting to this particular post through Googling for "Korean men". Your situation tends to be somewhat different from regular dating, so please read this carefully.If you are considering dating/marrying a Korean man, look out for the following:

1. Remember that majority of Koreans are racists. That means that they despise people whose skins are darker than them. Southeastern Asians are darker than Koreans. You do the math. It's safe to say that in many cases, your relationship will not be based on respect.

Even if your guy is not racist, his parents, relatives, and friends are going to be racist. That makes a long-term relationship or marriage extremely difficult. At some point, your guy will be forced to choose between you and everyone else he knows. Guess which one he is more likely to choose?

2. The same principle applies everywhere: Korean men are exactly the same as all men. And all men lie, beg, manipulate, and do other despicable things to have sex with women. Korean men are no different. The fact that they have less respect for you would make this more likely.

3. Are you going through some type of a broker? Be EXTREMELY careful about these services. Korean men who come to Southeast Asia through a marriage broker do so because NO KOREAN WOMAN WOULD MARRY HIM. There is a reason for that. Of course, some men are just unlucky -- Korean women tend not to marry divorced men or men living in rural areas as farmers. But many men are your classic, stuck-in-the-1960s type of Koreans whose hobbies include beating their wives.

4. Regardless of going through a broker or not, watch out for older Korean men (in 30s~40s as opposed to in early 20s), for the simple reason that older Korean men are more likely to be racist, manipulative, and disrespectful to women. Remember, there is a strong pressure for Koreans to get married in their early 30s at the latest. So if there is a single Korean who is older than, say, 33, either s/he went through some unusual circumstances, or something is wrong with that person.

5. Lastly, do not fall for the two classic mistakes that all women make about men at some point in their lifetime: "He is different from everyone" and "He will change for me." The first one is correct only about 20 percent of the time, and the second one is never correct.

Happy Chuseok!

Today is August 15 in lunar calendar, which makes it Chuseok in Korea. Chuseok is essentially a harvest festival, and the traditional food is songpyeon, a half-moon shaped rice cake with sweet stuffing inside.

For most Koreans, chuseok is remembered as a time for traffic jam, as most people in Seoul who are not from Seoul return to their hometown in their cars. The Korean's trip to the Korean Family's hometown, a breezy 1.5 hour drive in most cases, becames an epic 6 hour journey during chuseok.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Billowy is Nice.

Dear Korean,

Why do so many Koreans smoke? I have been around Asians my whole life, and amongst the Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Filipino, and Koreans, the Koreans definately have the highest percentage of smokers.

Bewildered Half-JapAm

Dear Bewildered Jjokbari (derogatory term for Japanese),

It is absolutely true that Koreans smoke a lot. In the U.S., according to 1998 CDC survey, roughly a quarter of all American adults are smokers, with the number of men and women roughly similar. Asian Americans had the lowest percentage of smokers, with 13.7 percent.

About a quarter of all Korean adults in Korea are smokers as well. But the number is deceptive, because a whopping 44.1 percent of Korean adult males are smokers, while only 2.3 percent of Korean adult women smoke. There is no survey that the Korean could find that broke down smoking by more specific ethnicities in the U.S., but chances are percentages of Korean American males smoking would not be that much lower.

The smoking trend for Koreans abroad is really just a by-product of the smoking trend in the mothership. So the proper question is why Korean males smoke so much. First factor is simply this: Korea is still not that far out of the times when EVERYONE smoked. U.S. had times like that, all the way until 1970s or so. Then the cancerous effects of smoking got publicized, and Americans, at that time rich enough to care for their health, quit smoking in droves.

One must remember that caring for one's health is a very rich-country-thing to do. After all, who has time to care for one's health when everyone has to work every waking hour to feed his/her family? Korea only became rich in the recent years, and sure enough, in the last five years or so there has been a massive public campaign to stop smoking. Governmental efforts followed as well, putting more and more places under no-smoking ordinances. In the last five years, all male relatives of the Korean who used to smoke quit, including the two Korean Uncles who had been smoking for decades.

(The picture is a pack of This, the metaphysical cigarette that is one of the most popular in Korea. Notice the beautiful humor of subtle foblish.)

Another factor to consider is that Koreans spend a lot of time in extremely high-stress situations, and those situations tend to be suffered as a group. Smoking relieves stress, but even more importantly, chatting up while gathered to smoke relieves stress big time. Korean educational system is notoriously high-stress with cutthroat competition beginning from middle school -- the result is around 20 percent of high school students smoke.

After high school, the 2 to 3 years spent in the military is another high-stress situation suffered as a unit. After military, certain jobs operate as a stressful unit, encouraging smoking. (Surprisingly, such jobs include doctors, especially surgeons.) Almost all Korean smokers that the Korean knows picked up the habit during high school, military, or work, out of stress. Which leads the Korean to the thought that he has had, from the moment he landed at LAX -- boy, Americans have it so easy.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Fastest in the East

Dear Korean,

안녕하십니까? Why are Koreans in a rush all the time? Like at elevators and subways, people get on before people get off... isn't that like Social Etiqutte 101? And Koreans (esp. men) eat fuckin' FAST! (I hear this has something to do with 군대.) I remember a lot of 유학생 back in the States would be running all over the place at grocery stores. Don't they know grocery shopping is supposed to be a leisurely experience? Are they in a hurry to get back to their apartments to study?

$imon
Seoul, Korea by way of Houston, TX

Dear $imon,

Although it has been getting better in the last decade or so, the social etiquette in Korea is still MIA at times. It's because still for many Koreans, (generally older people,) it is their first time living in a megapolis like Seoul. It doesn't occur to them that there are extra sets of etiquette required for a crowded living. But truthfully, it's not that big of a problem anymore -- it used to be really bad until the 80s.

If you are curious about what Korea used to be like, you should visit China. When the Korean visited China, the only way to keep people from blatantly cutting in any line was to close my fist, raise it, and stare down the would-be cutter. Unfortunately, that didn't work for spitting mucus and chicken bones on the street.

A related side story: a while back, the Korean visited Disneyland with his three friends. We were in a line for Star Wars, and we began to notice this one group of obviously-mainland-Chinese kids, probably around high school age or so. They used to be next to us on a folded line (so kinda far back,) but now they were just a few spots behind us. We observed, and their method was this: squeeze a small girl up front past other people, who establishes some space in the line, and the rest of the group (maybe 4 or 5) comes in to join the girl.

Upon seeing this, we decided to have some fun. Four of us stood so that we were forming an L, with the long side of the L facing that group. The space in the middle of the L was a delicious piece of cheese for those line-cutting rats. Sure enough, the small girl made a move, snuck in, and stood in the middle trying to act normal. At that point, the trap door snapped shut. The last guy who was at the tip of the long of the L moved in, forming a square; all of us stood a little closer, forming a tight little cage. The four of us were standing just close enough to that girl that if she wanted to get out, she would have to push one of us aside.

After the trap was complete, we were just talking to each other as if the girl in the middle didn't exist, trying to hold in laughs. Our mouse in the middle tried to look calm, but after spending about 15 minutes in that cage, she looked increasingly distressed, frantically glancing back over to her origial group. Eventually we opened the cage slightly, and the girl bolted back to her group. That group still made it right behind us, but didn't dare to pass us. Fun times.

(Lest there should be any misunderstanding: the Korean has absolutely nothing against Chinsese-Americans. The Korean likes mainland Chinese people too, but just thinks they could learn some manners. Apparently the Chinese government is putting on a massive public advertisement campaign to clean up their people's acts in anticipation of Beijing Olympics. Maybe things will be better after that.)

Back to the topic. Yes, it is totally true that Koreans do everything fast. Koreans walk fast, they talk fast, they eat fast. Koreans demand fast service, and get pissy if they don't get it. One of the biggest complaints of Koreans who travel abroad is "slow service." It took at least five years for the Korean Father to realize that in an American restaurant, you can only talk to your own waiter. ("How can you get anything," the Korean Father would retort, "if that waiter only comes around once in 20 minutes?)

Why? It's Richard Rorty's favorite answer - survival. People still don't realize how Korea could go from one of the poorest countries in the world (and the Korean is talking about sub-Saharan Africa, rampant-starvation-death kind of poor) to a legitimate economic power. Korea could do that, in part, because it valued speed and efficiency over everything else. The industries that really pulled Korea in the 70s and the 80s were international ship-building and construction, things that depend on large bids and huge projects that often become delayed for years on end. As a newcomer on the scene, the only way for Korean companies to win bids is to promise this: We will do what you want cheaper and faster than anyone else can.

Since then, doing things fast became a national motto for Koreans. You can still hear anecdotes of Jeong, Ju-young, the legendary founder of Hyundai group, personally went to construction sites abroad and slapped the foremen silly in order to keep the deadline. Finishing a big project faster than others is simple: You work when other people don't. So Korean people took working for 14 hours a day, six days a week for granted. The Daewoo group's unofficial motto was "When other people work 9 to 5, we work 5 to 9."

This culture of speed affected every part of the country. Restaurants are supposed to give blazing fast service because workers need to get back to work after 30 minutes of lunch and dinner break. People walk fast and drive like maniacs in order to get to their work on time. Even after Korea went past the industrial stage that requires speed above all, speed became a part of the culture.

This phenomenon is not limited to Korea -- it's really all over Asia, because the entire Asia is going through a crazy growth spurt that Korea went through. The Korean's favorite Chinese restaurant brings food out before the Korean even ordered. Okay, that's not true, but it seriously brings food out within 5 minutes of the order.

Recently -- within the past 15 years or so -- Koreans decided that they could not take the maddening speed anymore, and campaigned for a general slow-down of their lives. Such need was heightened when a series of construction disasters happened, such as a collapsed bridge in Seoul or gas main explosion in Daegu, all of them due to shoddy construction that occurred because the construction company was trying to keep the impossibly near deadline. (That bridge, named Seongsu Daegyo, was on the way to the Korean's middle school from the Korean's old home in Seoul, and the Korean himself saw the collapse.)

Nonetheless, once you get used it, you will realize it's kinda nice to have fast service so that you can be done eating early and get on with your life. So the Korean doesn't see Korea slowing down much after all.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

p.s. Found a cartoon that really illustrated this point. This is a cartoon called "386c" by Hwang, Jung-hwan, carried on Dong-A Ilbo:

Title: Koreans Seen by a Chinese Scholar Who Lived in Korea

1st square - Q. What do you think the general trait of Koreans is? In "Fun Talks about Korea" by Kung Qing Dung, professor Beijing University.

2nd square - A. From the perspective of a Chinese person, the thought that they truly are impatient people comes to me several times a day. Seems like they could take it easy a little bit, but why are they in such a hurry? I felt that way in China as well, but felt it even stronger after I came to Korea.

3rd square - He's right, why can't we take it easy a little bit...

4th square - Let's hurry up and finish this. (Flip flip)

Twisted (Yet Delicious) Replacement for Birthday Cake

Dear Korean,

I am American and watch a fair amount of subtitled Korean movies and TV shows. In these shows, there is a big deal made about having seaweed soup on your birthday. What is this about, and also, what does seaweed soup taste like? Do you like it?

Suellen

Dear Suellen,

You're American? The Korean is American too! What a coincidence.

(Next time, just say you're white. The Korean will let it slide this one time.)

Eating seaweed sounds terrible to most non-Asians, because the image conjured up is the seaweed washed up on the beach, ruining the fun of a good swim. But let the Korean remind you that the image is no worse than yogurt (you toss the milk gone bad, not mix with fruit) or escargot (if you put salt to season it, would it shrivel up and die?)

Koreans generally eat three types of seaweed: miyeok (brown laver), gim (sloke), and parae (green laver). They are cooked differently. Gim is just like Japanese nori, i.e. the seaweed that wraps sushi rolls. Gim is flattened, dried, and roasted with sesame oil and salt. When done, it looks like a thin black sheet of paper. It is then cut into size, and eaten with rice. It makes a surprisingly good beer snack. Alternatively, gim can be eaten like fresh salad, tossed with soy sauce and sesame oil. Parae is less commonly eaten, and more of a local food. Usually it is cooked similarly to gim, but parae tends to have a thicker texture.

Miyeok is the only type that is made into soup, so the "seaweed soup" is really miyeokguk. (Guk means soup.) Miyeok can also be prepared like fresh salad like any other edible seaweed. In addition, miyeok can be prepared into either hot or cold soup. But the birthday soup, as it were, is the hot one. The cold soup is called miyeok-naengguk. The picture is what a typical miyeokguk looks like.

So why eat this particular thing on your birthday? It's really because seaweed soup is traditionally eaten by women after childbirth. Korean women who give birth traditionally eats seaweed soup for about three weeks straight.

Brown laver is particularly good for women who just gave birth because it has very rich in iron and iodine. Iron is what gives blood its red color. It's an essential ingredient for producing blood, something that a woman loses a lot during childbirth. (Which sounds like a load of fun.) Iodine is necessary to kick-start the production of hormones, which in turn produces breastmilk for the newborn. The broth is usually made out of beef or fish, which helps replace calcium and protein.

So, because it is associated with birth, seaweed soup is the thing to have on your birthday. It's a big deal because hey, wouldn't it be a big deal if you missed out on a birthday cake on your birthday?

What does it taste like? Soup is mostly about broth, and seaweed soup can be made out of just about any broth you can think of. (Including canned chicken broth!) The most common broth would be anchovy or beef, but any type of fish or shellfish generally works. Seaweed doesn't really add to the flavor of the broth. Usually minced garlic, soy sauce, and a dash of sesame oil is added to the broth. The texture of miyeok is somewhat like steamed cabbage, but less fiber-y. Wikipedia claims that because of the iodine content, miyeok tastes somewhat like olives, but the Korean loves both seaweed soup and olives and he never noticed the similarity.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Response to the Open Letter

Reader Eric N. sent the Korean this nice email. At first the Korean had to think about putting it up, since the readers of this blog are generally not Koreans who live in Korea (or even if they are, they are knowledgeable about this type of things.) But hey, Eric N. put in a lot of work writing this, and it had many good points. So here it is. Italics in parentheses are the Korean's comments.

Hello,

I enjoyed your latest posting regarding the way non-Asians treat Asian Americans. Your points helped me realize that white people say and a lot of stupid things around Asians. As a caucasian guy who has been living in Korea for over four years, I also have some requests for Korean people. I am sure you have considered some of these points in the past, but I thought you might appreciate them as someone who has lived in both Korea and the U.S.

- When you see a white person on the street, do not yell, "Hello!" or "Where areyou from?" at the top of your lungs. Koreans do not talk to other strangers onthe street, so there is no need to single out the foreigner to practice English with. (The Korean himself is totally guilty on this one, back when he was living in Korea.)

- When foreigners speak Korean, do not say, "Your Korean is so good!" even whenthe phrase being uttered by the person is ridiculously simple. (To be fair, Koreans just don't expect anyone to learn any Korean. And they could be talking about your pronunciation.)

- Do not discuss the purity or superiority of the Korean race. It comes acrossas ignorant, exclusionist, and racist. (No argument here.)

- Talking about foreigners in their presence is extremely rude. It is clear that white people have more body hair, different eye colors, and different bodyshapes from Koreans. It is best to wait until whitey has left before dissecting his appearance. (Shit-talking in the face of someone is so much fun. It's probably the best thing about knowing a relatively obscure language. But yeah, it's pretty damn annoying if you understand the shit-talking. Happened to the Korean many times whenever he traveled to a Spanish-speaking country.)

- Do not tell every foreign guy you see that he is handsome and resembles a movie star. I know we all look alike, but most of us are nowhere near ashandsome as Brad Pitt. (Does this really happen or did you just break your spine trying to pat yourself on the back?)

- Stop fetishizing Ivy League schools and the American upper class. Your children can still be successful if they don't get into Harvard. (Indeed. The Korean is doing just fine after going to a state school.)

- Stop the systematic exclusion of mixed ethnicity Koreans. Koreans only accept them after they are succussful (e.g. Hines Ward and Daniel Henny). Even then, it comes across as if they believe their success comes from the 'Korean blood'. (The Korean will devote a post on this topic later, but yes, it's pretty disgusting.)

- Do not use phrases such as, "Koreans are the in the world." Most of the time, these claims border on laughably ridiculous and can easily be debunked. (The most overused phrase like this is probably "Koreans are the most inventive people in the world", based on hangeul, metal press, etc. The Korean knows, however, that Koreans are the best drinkers in the world. No one can dispute that.)

- Stop ruining Western food under the guise of fusion cuisine. Whipped cream does not belong on baked potatoes and kimchi does not belong in spaghetti. Also, hamburgers are not steak. Furthermore, stop price gouging on so-called luxury drinks such as Starbucks coffee. A cup of coffee should not cost $6. (But how will people know it's from America unless it tastes weird and exorbitantly expensive?)

- Do not hold a spoon like a shovel. This is not preschool. (Frankly, the Korean does not understand this part. Korean people do this?)

- Stop wearing t-shirts with pictures of white kids in big sunglasses. A picture of an emo kid or a Paris Hilton wannabe printed on a cheap t-shirt is not good fashion. (That must be the latest fashion in Seoul. Thank god the Korean is not there, or he might have gouged his own eyes out.)

- On that note, what is the deal with the ridiculous number of Koreans wearing shirts with incoherent English phrases? Most of the time, these are simply annoying. In some cases, they are downright offensive. New rule: You must beable to read the English on a t-shirt before wearing it. With the amount of time and money Koreans spend on English education, this should not be a problem. (Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for saying this. Now, if only the Korean can enforce the same rule upon non-Asians and their t-shirts/tattoos...)

- It seems that Koreans like to emulate the worst garbage that comes out of American pop culture. Paris Hilton is not the ideal woman, Nsync and the Backstreet Boys are not where music ends, Levi's are not the best jeans, and 'The Butterfly Effect' and 'Step Up' are not good movies. It is easy to mistakenly assume that Koreans are superficial when their tastes appear to be shallow. (Eh, the Korean will disagree on this one. If Korean people like them, so be it. Spam is considered gross in most parts of America, but people in Hawaii accepted it to be great food and made fantastic dishes out of it. It's all in the eye of the beholder. If a sugarmama who gives out free ass is not the ideal woman, who is?)

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Open Letter to Non-Asian People

(Sorry about the unannounced absence, folks. The Korean hosted three little Korean Nephews from Colorado Springs for a whole week, and then the Korean visited the Korean Girlfriend at Aspen for a week. Hope all of you have enjoyed some nice vacation time.)

Dear Black, Hispanic, and White People:

My name is the Korean, the host of a popular blog of Ask A Korean! The Korean keeps the blog in order to edify non-Koreans, and more generally non-Asians. That means you. The Korean had been thinking that he was making good progress, but visiting a region in America mostly populated by you people made the Korean realize that more direct approach is necessary. Therefore, the Korean presents the behavioral guide of interacting with Asian Americans.

- When you meet an Asian person in America, listen to the person's English. If it's fluent, assume the person is American. Do not say "Oh, your English is so great!" unless you want a punch in the face.

- Do not ask "Where are you from?" to an Asian person unless you are reasonably certain that s/he is outside of his/her American hometown. If the Asian answers, say, "Los Angeles", do not follow up with "where are you originally from?" or "where are your parents from?" Our precise ethnicity is none of your fucking business. Do we ever ask you whether you are from Dominican Republic, Ireland, or Ivory Coast?

- Do not holler any Asian celebrity name at any Asian person. The Korean is 6'1", and plays basketball frequently. If the Korean hears one more "Yao Ming!" from one of you, he will shove a basketball up your ass.

- Do not say "gonnichiwa" to an Asian person in America, unless you are absolutely positive that the Asian person is a Japanese tourist, or you are a host/hostess of a Japanese restaurant greeting an Asian customer. (Although if you are a host/hostess, the proper greeting would be iratsaimashe.) There are relatively few Japansese Americans in America compared to Chinese or Korean Americans, so you are most likely wrong; and if you had been reading the blog, Korean people really don't like being mistaken for a Japanese. Chinese people are not all that different either.

- On second thought, don't say any Asian phrase to any Asian person, unless you are at least conversational in the language. It's the 21st century, people. We are no longer impressed by your amazing ability to say "hello".

- As a corollary, especially don't say any Asian phrase to an Asian American woman in the hopes of hooking up. Your schemes are as transparent as they are idiotic.

- While we are on the subject, although equal opportunity dating is to be encouraged, blatant yellow fever is disgusting. Nothing drives Asian women away faster than your submissive girl fetish. Plus, if you really think Asian women are domestic and submissive, you obviously haven't dated one.

- Let's change the subject a bit. Stop patronizing expensive Asian restaurants with shitty food and fancy decoration. (Way too many of them in New York.) You are just as stupid as the Russian people who wait in line for hours to eat at McDonald's. Recognize which Asian food is rightfully fancy, and which one simply has a fancy name and a $30 price tag.

(True story: The Korean went to this one chic Korean restaurant in SoHo, where they made every effort to make it seem trendy and, well, not Asian, down to 100 percent non-Asian waiting crew. We had barbecue, and one of the waiters offered the Korean a platter of "Seng Shew". It took about 10 seconds to realize that he pronounced "sangchoo", i.e. red leaf lettuce, as if he was reading French. The Korean broke a soju bottle on his head, and never returned.)

- Do not use chopsticks if you are going to make a fool of yourself and spray food all over the place. Use a fork. No one cares.

- On the other hand, if you are at a Thai restaurant and don't have chopsticks, do not act all high and mighty and ask for chopsticks. Thai people don't use chopsticks.

- On a broader topic, stop fetishizing Asian culture, like its movies and cartoons. Like everything else in the world, some Asian movies and cartoons are fantastic, and some are just plain shitty. As the Korean mentioned before, he cannot believe the number of people who liked Bicheonmu on imdb.com, which is generally considered the worst Korean movie of the decade, perhaps all-time, on the same level as Battlefield Earth.

- However, stop copying excellent Asian movies/TV shows, replacing Asian actors with white actors, and sell them in America as if you came up with that brilliant idea. Martin Scorsese, the makers of The Ring, The Grudge, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the Korean is looking at your direction.

- Do not make an Asian person around you a representative of his/her race. Do not ask questions like "Why are Korean girls so slutty?" or "Why are Chinese people so loud?" because the answers will be either wrong or incomplete. Do you know all there is to know about your heritage? Neither do we, for the most part.

- But if you must ask, send an email to askakorean@hotmail.com

p.s. Asian people, anything else that annoys you? Please email.

-ADDENDUM: 2:37 p.m. Sept. 11, 2007- One more thing the Korean thought of (because some idiot just pulled this): If you meet a Korean anywhere, never ask "North or South?" North Koreans have no freedom to travel outside of their country -- that's what it means to have a communist dictatorship. The only place that you will likely meet a North Korean is within North Korea; at that point, you wouldn't really have to ask. Everywhere else, all Koreans are South Koreans.

Glow-in-the-Dark Koreans

Dear Korean,

My boyfriend is half Korean and we’ve visited some of his relatives. On one occasion, there was a great deal of soju drinking and one of his cousins (who is 100% Korean) turned purple. As I was about to administer CPR, my boyfriend stopped me and told me that it was just Asian glow and that it happens to some Asians when they drink. Why does drinking cause Asian glow? Secondly, as it turns out, I LOVE soju. What are some good brands of soju that can be found in the States?

Crissy from Cleveland

“Once you go Asian, you’ll never do Caucasian”

Dear Crissy from Cleveland,

Glad you enjoyed yourself. Soju really is great. It's 21% so it goes down smoother than most other liquors; it fucks you up so fast because you just keep on drinking it. It is somewhat like watered-down vodka, so you can mix it just like you would mix vodka (although soju traditionalists would be aghast at the idea.)

Soju is such a staple for Korean drinkers that they always come up with new and different types every few months. So it's hard to pick out what the best type is. The most "classic" type would be "cham iseul" from Jinro company. "Ipsaeju" is good if you like your liquor slighly sweet. Lately, the most popular type is "chum-churum".

(The picture is not the Korean's fridge, but it's not a bad depiction of what he would like.)

As to the cause of Asian glow, Wikipedia does a better job explaining the scientific bases than an amateur like the Korean can. (Link here.) If the big words confuse you, this is an easy way to understand it. Basically, many Asians lack the capacity to process a certain portion of alcohol, which manifests itself in reddened face. Although the Wikipedia article describes a lot of scary symptoms like "dizziness, nausea, headaches, an increased pulse, occasional extreme drowsiness, and occasional skin swelling and itchiness", most of these things are just symptoms of drunkenness. Generally, how red an Asian gets has no relation to how drunk he is.

(Here is a shout-out to Margaret Cho, in the form of one of her jokes: "Being an Asian is tough, because you could be at a party, and this ditzy girl could come up to you and ask, 'oh, are you sunburned?' And I have to say, 'No, I'm fucked up.'")

Asian glow is not the only physical thing that manifests predominantly with Asians. Many Asians are lactose intolerant, condemned to paying extra for Lactaid milk, or having the shits all day for having a bowl of cereal. The Korean himself has both Asian glow and lactose intolerance -- another reason why the Korean is a such a representative Asian, deserving to write columns like this.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Now THAT's a stupid question

Dear Korean,

I find it strange that you use the star with the circle around it, which is the symbology on North Korea's flag. Isn't your heritage from South Korea?

Chaz


Dear Korean,

What does the orange star represent?

Sae

Dear Chaz and Sae,

The Korean must praise your astute observations. Yes, the Korean is indeed from South Korea. Yet he always had a yearning for a system of government that causes rampant starvation. So he secretly declares his allegiance to North Korea on the blog, just like the Illuminati makes its presence known through the Seeing Eye on a dollar bill.

The design is just one of the default things from blogger.com. It means nothing.

For those of you who sent smarter questions, a real post will come soon. I promise.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

The Korean is Liberated

The Korean's exam is finally over. Updates will come soon.

Ask A Korean! News: America, Make It Yours.

(Screw it, here is the post. No one cares about old news anyway.)

-EDIT- Check out this week's Mexcian. There are some real doozies.

This is a bit old, but the demise of the immigration bill was disappointing to the Korean, so we will talk about it a little here. If you have no idea what this is about, here is an LA Times article.

In order to get a typical attitude of a person who opposed the bill, let us bring out an old friend, TexasFred, who wrote this steaming pile of crap about the Korean folks who drowned in Trinity River near Dallas because a 911 operator hung up on them multiple times:

Call me hard-hearted, but if you come to MY nation and spend over 20 years of YOUR life here, making money, enjoying the fruits of this land and ALL it has to offer and you don’t have the motivation to learn to speak English, or you don’t entertain the idea that after all that time you SHOULD become an American, to hell with you, I don’t care WHAT happens to you, you’re nothing but a leech on MY nation."

The Korean wanted to destroy that above sentence for some time, and now is as good a time as any.

The Korean’s point is simple: What makes America YOUR country, TexasFred?

Generally, if something is yours, you have worked for it. A car is yours if you paid for it. Same goes for anything that we own. What did you pay to get your American citizenship? Let me guess – you paid NOTHING. No effort was made on your part to make America “your” country. You were just lucky. Your mother was in America when you were born.

You paid taxes? Don’t be stupid. You didn’t pay taxes to get born, did you? IRS can do a lot of things, but it can’t come after you while you’re sitting your mother’s womb. Plus, if paying taxes were a valid criterion for citizenship, all illegal immigrants would get an amnesty right now. They pay taxes when they receive their pay, and they also pay sales tax when they buy anything. Heck, if taxes were enough, the amount of tax paid by Samsung Electronics and Hyundai Motors would be enough to turn every single Korean national into an American citizen.

On the other hand, immigrants always pay in order to make America theirs. They put up money, labor, and often their own lives (as we can see from the increasing number of Hispanics in the military in exchange for American citizenship.) Even the people who jump the border put more work to make it to America than you ever did. So how is your claim of ownership possibly better than an immigrant’s?

You may object this way (actually the Korean is certain that you do not have the wherewithal to make an objection like this, but he is being nice here): “It’s not ‘my’ country like ‘my’ car. It’s ‘my’ country like ‘my’ parents – an accidental inheritance to be sure, but there is a spiritual connection between me and the country in which I live.”

Nope. Make that argument if you are intent on giving America back to Native Americans. The “spiritual connection to the land” idea is shaky to begin with -- Koreans do this all the time, talking about how Korea deserves a bigger land mass because older Korean kingdoms occupied northeastern China for about 1000 years. Well, what about the other 1000 years when China occupied the same land? But even if one accepts the idea, the longest that any American (except Native Americans) has ever lived in this country is about 3 centuries, which is not nearly enough for anyone to seriously make a claim on the land. Most people in the world can claim their heritage in the same land for at least a millennium and a half, and a lot of those people don’t have their own country. (Take for example Kurds, Basques, Chechens, and Tibetans, not to mention Native Americans.)

Still another objection might be that immigrants might fundamentally change the “American culture”. So let’s look at American culture. Most of American music—jazz, rock and roll, R&B, and hip-hop—does not exist without immigrants (albeit forced) from Africa. The representative American foods such as hamburger, French fries and pizza are from Germany, Belgium, and Italy. The point is simple – what is left of American culture if we take away the immigrant influence? On the flip side, if something as wonderful as jazz and burger is waiting for us in the future by virtue of immigrant influence (like salsa and galbi, perhaps?), how is that not a reason to welcome more immigrants?

In fact, rejection of immigrants offends one of the core values of America: free market, and by corollary, free competition. Here is a really simple way of getting rid of all illegal immigrants—work harder than them! The Korean would love to see immigration opponents put their money where their mouth is, and line up to take all the jobs that immigrants tend to do. Nothing would be more delightful than Lou Dobbs climbing a tree to pick an orange, or being dragged through two years of bullshit lawsuit as a hapless drycleaner. Do you not like Mexicans mowing lawns? Do the same thing cheaper and better than Mexicans, and they will go away. Do you not like Asians dominating the engineering and medical fields? Maybe you should have done better during high school. You are no better than the little brat who takes the ball and goes home just because he keeps on losing, except the ball is not yours to begin with.

The proposed immigration bill isn’t bad because it does too much; it’s bad because it doesn’t do nearly enough. America belongs to those who recognize the country as the blessing and treasure that it is. If people are not committed to making America better, they don't belong in America. So here is the Korean’s proposal for immigration and citizenship policy.

It starts simple. All children born in U.S. or into American parents get a provisional citizenship until age 18. Their status won’t change much from as it is right now. At the age of 18, every child as well as everyone in the world is eligible for the citizenship test, which asks basic questions about American history, geography, and civics. Anyone who passes will receive a full citizenship for two years. Full citizenship entails the same rights as the current American citizenship.

Anyone who fails to pass, or any full citizenship holder who commits a felony, receives a basic citizenship. Basic citizenship is similar to what illegal immigrants go through right now. Basic citizenship holders may stay in the U.S., and must pay taxes. (That’s right, illegal immigrants pay taxes too.) Basic citizens are generally eligible for full citizenship every time there is a citizenship exam. But they cannot receive any higher education, nor can they receive any medical insurance, publicly or privately. Constitutional rights are not quite suspended, but they operate at a lower level. For example, basic citizens can be searched for any reason whatsoever. They can also be detained for an extended period of time without being told the reason for detention. Medical care is of course not provided in detention. If you die while being locked up, too bad. (Check out the link. It’s really something.)

But here is the beauty of the Korean's proposal -- ANYONE in the world can come to America and immediately obtain basic citizenship, and they are eligible for the full citizenship exam just as much as anyone who is born in the U.S. Competition can sort out the rest. Full citizenship Americans will be the best and the brightest, and the basic citizenship Americans will be there to tend the gardens and flip burgers.

The proposal is still rough around the edges, but you get the idea. Do you want to call America YOUR country? You better earn it, pal. If you don’t know who John Roberts is or the fact that the President can’t cut taxes under the Constitution, (just a couple of things that all immigrants who take the citizenship exam know, and so many xenophobic "Americans" don't,) you probably don’t deserve to “come to MY nation and spend over 20 years of YOUR life here, making money, enjoying the fruits of this land and ALL it has to offer[.]” Idiot.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

A Quickie Post

Okay fine, the Korean doesn't really want to study right now. Here's a short one.

Dear Korean,

My mom was telling me about the way that Koreans describe an ugly woman as a "호박꽃," but she didn't know where it originated from. Could you possibly find out how it came about? She hates the metaphor because she thinks it's contradictory to describe any flower as ugly. She also had me take a picture of one in our backyard to show people that it's really a beautiful flower.

Zucchini flower fan

Dear Zucchini flower fan,

Your mother is right: zucchini flowers are pretty (like the one in the picture you sent), and it would make no sense to use the word to describe ugly women. Truth is hobak-kot (that's what the hangeul in the question says) is not a zucchini flower at all.

The correct euphemism is neulgeun hobak, rather than hobak-kot. The word hobak is somewhat confusing because it means both pumpkin and zucchini. (Often Korean people use the term ae-hobak for zucchini to distinguish the two.)

For the euphemism, the correct meaning is pumpkin, not zucchini. The word neulgeun means "old". So now the euphemism makes sense -- ugly women are like old pumpkins, because old pumpkins are fat, bumpy, and wrinkled.

By the way, the euphemism is the same in Japanese as well, which contributed to a subtlety that was understood by few in Memoirs of a Geisha. A friend of the main character Sayuri is called "Pumpkin". That doesn't mean that she was cute, as Americans might understand it. (Al Bundy always calls his daughter Kelly "pumpkin" in the sitcom Married with Children, which always cracks the Korean up.) Basically Sayuri's friend was called "Ugly" her whole life, which makes her actions after the war a little more understandable.

How did we get to hobak-kot from neulgeun hobak? First, the neulgeun part is often dropped, and calling an ugly woman hobak is enough to convey your less-than-good intent. But calling someone a hobak straight up is a little too mean. So the euphemism is softened up a bit into hobak-kot, the "pumpkin flower," since women are associated with flowers. So the euphemism is not really a knock against the actual pumpkin flower -- it's just a derivation from calling someone a "pumpkin".

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

The Korean is on a break

The Korean needs to take a very important exam in the coming weeks, and his attentions are necessarily diverted to that direction. The Korean did work out a draft in the meantime, but this one will definitely piss off a lot of people. Publishing the draft is not a problem, but the Korean does not have enough time to address the shitstorm that will surely follow the post.

If you are new to the blog, welcome, and please enjoy the archives. If you are waiting on a new post, please bear with me. Thanks for coming, as you always do.

The Japanese' Incredible Ability to Forget Their Past - Update 4

Today, Committee on Foreign Affairs of the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed H. Res. 121, urging the Japanese government to formally apologize for Comfort Women. Here is the link to the text of the resultion, and here is the remarks of Chairman Lantos. The resolution will now go to the full house for vote.

Guide to Attracting Korean Men

Dear Korean,

Out of curiosity, I'd like to ask - how do I make a Korean man love me?

Imaforeignergirl

Dear Korean,

There is a Korean guy at my job that I talk to a lot during the day. We both seem to have the same interests and we seem to like being around one another. He's very sweet, smart as hell, a little shy and geeky and I've developed quite a crush on him.

I know that this may be a gross overgeneralization, but what qualities do Korean men look for in woman?

In longing.

Dear Ladies,

The Korean thinks the next mail is going to be pretty illustrative. Read on.

Dear Korean,

What is your take on the lack of domesticated Korean American women these days? I am finding that more and more Korean American girls strongly oppose any domestic work. Maybe it’s just all the K-town hoochies I've been meeting, but some can't even cook rice with a rice cooker. I consider myself to be rather progressive and in no way implying that women should do all the housework. I don't mind sharing in the chores, but is a denjangchigae once in a while too much to ask? What are your thoughts on this?

Sans DenJangChiGae

There you have it, ladies. Wanna win the heart of a Korean man? COOK FOR HIM. This is actually true with any man – the shortest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Cooking Korean food has another function. To an unaccustomed nose, some Korean dishes smell rancid. Korean people are pretty self-conscious about this – they are always concerned that non-Koreans would not understand their eating habits. So if you cook a particularly rancid-smelling (yet delicious) food for your Korean man, the Korean man would realize that he doesn’t have to be self-conscious around you about the type of food he likes. And that goes a long way towards getting comfortable with each other. The recipes at the end are two such dishes, as the Korean, taught by the Korean Mother, makes them. Try them out – she’s a good cook. The first one is slightly easier than the second one.

As to Sans Doenjang-Jjigae, the Korean has no compassion for you. It’s Korean guys like you who make many Korean girls repudiate dating all Korean men, narrowing the field for the rest of us. Read the following recipe at the end and cook for your own ass. Ladies will appreciate it if you cook for them as well.

Kimchi-Jjigae (Kimchi soup/stew)

Ingredients:

Sour kimchi (available at local Korean markets)

Gochujang (red pepper paste – available at Korean markets)

Pork belly, or solid white tuna

Tofu

Cooking:

Make sure the kimchi is fully fermented and sour – kimchi-jjigae made with fresh kimchi is pretty weird. If the markets don’t have any sour kimchi (they often don’t), buy a bottle and put it at a warm place for a day or two. Do NOT close the bottle, and put a plate underneath the bottle, because if kimchi ferments quickly, the juice tends to bubble up.

Put some oil in a pot and stir-fry sour kimchi with either pork belly or tuna. Cook until kimchi becomes soft and pork belly gets fully cooked. (Obviously, no need to worry about that with respect to tuna.) Assure the neighbors that nothing is dead in your house.

Pour water into the pot, about triple the amount of kimchi. Stir in a spoonful or two gochujang. Slice tofu into bite-size cubes and put it in the soup. Boil until everything is fully mixed and hot. Serve with white rice.

Doenjang-Jjigae (Spicy miso soup/stew)

Ingredients:

Doenjang (spicy miso – available at local Korean markets.)

Large dried anchovies (ditto)

Gochugaru (red pepper powder – you know where to find them.)

Tofu

Zucchini

Potato

Cooking:

Boil water with dried anchovies in it for about 15~20 minutes to make the anchovy broth. When the water turns into slightly yellow broth and you can taste the anchovy in the broth, use a strainer to take out all anchovies and toss them.

Take doenjang by a spoonful and stir it into the broth. Continue putting doenjang in until the broth is sufficiently salty. Put enough gochugaru until the broth is sufficiently spicy. (This step takes some trial and error. The Korean can’t really give any measurements – it entirely depends on whether you like your soup more or less salty or spicy. It does have to be somewhat salty, since it’s served with rice.)

Slice tofu, zucchini, and potato into bite size cubes. Put them in the broth and boil until the potato cubes are fully cooked. Serve with steamed rice.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: June 25, 1948

Tomorrow will be the 59^th Anniversary of the beginning of the Korean War. Korean War never affected America in the way that Vietnam War did, so it is often neglected in the annals of 20^th century war efforts by the U.S.

But it certainly had a profound impact on all Koreans’ lives, including the Korean himself. So let us all take a moment to reflect, and be grateful.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Ask A Korean! News: Environmental Damage Caused by U.S. Army in Korea

First of all, a disclaimer: the Korean admires our men and women in services. It sounds incredibly made up, but it’s true. Any job in which one risks one’s life to protect others is noble, and deserves all the praise in the world.

That doesn’t mean the Korean can’t criticize the decision-making of the policymakers who tell those men and women what to do. I’m sure this distinction is unnecessary for most of you, but this being the Internet, just had to clarify that.

A little background first. After the Korean War, United States left many of U.S. army troops in Korea in order to protect it from future North Korean attacks. Until very recently, U.S. army had roughly 40,000 soldiers stationed in 66 camps located all over South Korea.

Ever since Korea became rich enough to start thinking about something other than staving off starvation, and especially since the 1990s, there has been a tension between Korean people and the U.S. army in Korea. The loudest voice against the U.S. army is that of the left-leaning college students who see the army as an instrument of U.S. imperialism and the obstacle against immediate Korean unification; but they are just loud, and not very many or smart.

On the other hand, more Korean people were aggravated by the fact that U.S. army personnel seems to do whatever they please. Every month you can guarantee that some idiot American soldier gets drunk and beats up a cab driver, or worse yet, kill a prostitute or two. Instead of receiving justice from Korean courts, those GIs are court-marshaled, where they receive punishments which appear to Korean people as a mere slap on the wrist.

[-EDIT 9/9/2008 7:15 p.m.- The above statement is struck because, upon further education on the topic prompted by a commenter, the Korean considered it to be incorrect, not to mention disrespectful in tone.]

The relation between Korean people and the U.S. military in Korea reached the rock bottom in the days following the events of June 2002, when two Korean middle school girls were run over by a U.S. armored vehicle. Whether it was a pure accident, or if there was any negligence on the part of the drivers, was unclear. But the American soldiers were court-marshaled, and found not guilty on all counts. And the entire Korea erupted in anti-U.S. sentiments. The current Korean president, who was elected in 2003, rode the tide of those sentiments into victory; in order to reciprocate to his constituents, he moved for gradual reduction of American troops in Korea. In April and May of 2007, 25 U.S. military camps were returned to Korea.

The Korean himself was not very keen on the anti-U.S. military sentiment in Korea. After all, most of the offenses of the soldiers are to be expected around a military camp. It is arguable that the justice system dealing with such soldiers was inequitable, but it appeared that the system was making progress.

But the following news was really distressing. This is what Dong-A Ilbo reported on June 14.

“Can they just abuse it like this just because it’s someone else’s land? Look at this oil. It’s like an oil field”

The seven National Assemblymen (note: same as Congressmen in U.S.) lamented as they smelled petroleum from the black, dead soil of Camp Edwards and Camp Howes of Gyeonggi-do Paju-si and Camp Kyle of Uijeongbu, whose process for return from the U.S. military was recently completed.

….

When the investigatory team dug 3 meters into the ground 20 meters away from petroleum storage tank, the petroleum odor arose, disgusting enough to automatically turn one’s head. Apparently the oil leaked as petroleum storage tank and the underground pipes corroded … the thickness of oil floating on top of ground water was measured to be 1 meter. … Assemblyman Woo Wonsik said “this oil is diesel; apparently if you put it in a car, it would drive. It’s incredible that they say the return process is completed when there is this much oil left in the ground.” As Woo lit the oil on the ground it soon grew into a flame. “Did we discover an oil field?” asked Woo with a chagrined expression.

…

[At Camp Kyle, around 70 air conditioning units] were seen with pipes cut off without processing the coolant, confirming that ozone-destroying Freon gas was released into the atmosphere.

…

To cure the 14 camps returned in April and the 9 camps returned in May into an orchard/crop field level would cost $40.77 million and $78.85 million respectively, and it is estimated that curing all 66 camps’ environmental damage would case over $400 million.

Full story, if you can read Korean, is here.

Now, this is particularly upsetting not just because the Korean is a huge tree hugging hippie. (He isn’t really – he drives an SUV.) This is upsetting because it shows the level of respect and care that the U.S. military has for its host country. Simply put, it shows that the U.S. army stationed in Korea truly does not give a shit about the well-being of Koreans, or their own image to the Korean people.

This is often the point when the idiotic left-winger screams about how American military is good for nothing. That is not true. American military liberated South Korea, and without the American military, communized unified Korea would have been closer to the level of sub-Saharan African countries. This much is undeniable, and South Koreans should be grateful for it.

This is also the point when the idiotic right-winger yells about how America saved Korea and the environmental damage is nothing compared to the amount of gratitude that we must owe. That’s not true either. Suppose someone saves your life by pushing you out of an oncoming bus, and carries you home to safety because you were too shocked to walk by yourself. Of course you are grateful. But what if that same person comes into your house, rummages the refrigerator and eats all the food, flirts with your husband/wife, and leaves after taking a giant load of crap in the middle of your living room? Sure, you would still be grateful, but the next time you are in any sort of need, you would pursue other options before turning to that person again.

And that’s really the bottom line. Does America want to continue a good relationship with Korea, a country of increasing economic and cultural importance in East Asia, with a great strategic significance in dealing with China and Russia? Contaminating another's land like this is what you do if you want to burn bridges, not to remain friends. If U.S. cares about its relation with Korea at all, it should take full responsibility for any damage caused by its military, and do that in a sincere way, not grudgingly dragging feet.

The significance of this event applies far beyond Korea-U.S. relationship. Think about Iraq situation right now. Unlike Iraq, people of Korea felt genuinely liberated by U.S. army. All the things that the neo-conservatives thought would happen in Iraq actually happened in South Korea in 1945, when the flag-waving throng of Korean people greeted the American liberators no matter where they went. Until around 1980s, United States represented the absolute good to Korean people, going against the absolute evil of North Korea and Soviet Union. In the following 20 years, the U.S. military squandered away the incredible amount of good will of the Korean people (which America will almost never receive from any country for a very long time) by simply not caring enough to do the little things that matter.

Apply this to Iraq and you can easily see why the “liberation” idea was such a massive delusion. U.S. army leadership does not even have the will power to maintain an extremely favorable relationship; how can we possibly trust them to mend and improve upon a bad relationship?

All this is so little known to American people, because it’s not something that directly affects them. But if you care one bit about how America is seen in other countries, you really should care. Ask a Korean! will keep you posted on any further development on this issue.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com

Some Inaccurate Ancient History

Dear Korean,

First of all, congrats on your graduation! Secondly, as a second generation Korean I have to admit that my knowledge of Korean History prior to the Korean War is practically nil. On the AZN network, they keep showing this miniseries called Jumong. Being part of the MTV generation brought up by Cliff's Notes and ESPN highlights, can you give a brief description on who he is and why he's important?

Thanks,

Who the Hell is Jumong.

Dear Gyopo I-se (“second generation Korean living outside of Korea”)

Thank you for the congratulations. Yes, the Korean graduated, which means that it’s too late to fail him and take away his degree.

Onto the question. Jumong, according to ancient history, is the half-historical, half-mythological founder of Goguryeo, one of the three kingdoms that occupied the Korean peninsula from around 60 BCE all the way into 7^th century. (The other two are Baekje and Silla.)

Since this is such an ancient history, the circumstances of his birth are completely mythical (and kinda cool.) His father was Haemosu, the Prince of Heavens; his mother was Yuhwa, daughter of the river god Habaek. Haemosu basically hit Yuhwa and left, running back to heaven. Disgraced, Yuhwa had to leave her home, and eventually became a concubine to King Geumwa of Dongbuyeo (East Buyeo) kingdom.

Yuwha later gave birth to a giant golden egg. (For some reason, Korean mythology always involves a legendary figure being born out of a giant egg. In Korean’s opinion, it sounds cooler than virgin birth for example. After all, you can lie about virgin birth, but it’s hard to lie about an egg being born out of a woman.) Geumwa tried to destroy the egg by smashing it, but the egg would not break. Then he left the egg in the wild hoping that animals would eat it, but the animals instead protected the egg from harm. The egg was then returned to Yuhwa, who nursed it. (How???) From the egg hatched a baby boy, who was named Jumong, meaning "skilled archer”.

Jumong’s archery skill was out of this world. His first words at age 1, apparently, were “Mother, give me a bow and arrow.” With a tiny bow, he would shoot and kill the flies that bothered him. He grew up to be an archer and warrior renowned all over the kingdom, which made other princes of Geumwa jealous. They plotted to kill Jumong, and Jumong had to flee. As he fled on his horse, he approached a fast-running river. Jumong pled his life to his father Haemosu in heaven, and turtles and fish of the river floated over the water, forming a bridge. (Being a son of the Prince of Heaven has its perks.) After he successfully fled, he was admitted to the royal court of Bukbuyeo (North Buyeo), and eventually founded Goguryeo by incorporating nearby regions into Bukbuyeo.

So that’s the story, but why is Jumong important? First, you can see that the circumstances of his life would make a good TV show. (By the way, the TV show Jumong is about as faithful to the original mythology as Gladiator was faithful to Roman history.) But secondly, the idea of Goguryeo being a part of ancient Korean history really tickles the fancy of Korean nationalists. (Which is to say that it tickles of the fancy of all Koreans.) Korea’s northern border has remained the same for about 1000 years – it’s the same as the current North Korean border against China, formed by the Yalu (Aprok) River on the west and the Duman River on the east. But Goguryeo, which existed for more than 700 years, stretched from modern Pyeongyang all the way into Manchuria in the north. If Goguryeo’s territory belonged to Korea now, Korea’s size would grow by almost 50%. It feels good for Koreans to reminisce about the fact that Korea could have been a lot bigger, and presumably stronger.

This sentiment was compounded by the fact that, at the time of the drama’s airing, there was a movement among history scholars in China who were trying to incorporate the history of Goguryeo and Balhae (the successor kingdom to Goguryeo) into Chinese history. (It was recently abandoned for having no scholastic merit.) The movement was reported widely by the Korean media, and pissed off a lot of Koreans. Paraphrasing Samuel Johnson, patriotism is the last refuge of TV executives.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com