Psycho Mass Murderer Edition

Thank you for waiting folks, the Korean is back after the busiest three-week stretch of his life. The Korean must say that every time he tries to get some rest from the Korean-American world, something always happens to pull him back in.

First, the Korean’s sincerest condolence and regret to the families of the Virginia Tech shooting. These are the times that the Korean is glad being a Christian, so that he can pray for the people; it’s also satisfying to believe that Cho Seung-hui will be in hell for eternity.

Honestly, the Korean does not think Adam Cho have put the Korean American community in danger. (“Adam” is the psycho killer’s English name by the way. If Cho was like most Korean Americans, there would be less than three people in the world – his father, mother, and maybe his sister – who called him Seung-hui when he was alive. On the other hand, it is funny and annoying to see people mangling that name that no one used when he was alive. Back to the topic.)

This is not another 9/11, where there is a sense that America was under attack by foreigners, and that foreigner might be that guy wearing a turban. Cho’s actions were so clearly psychopathic that possibly no one who is halfway non-stupid can entertain the thought that being a Korean had something to do with propensity for mass murder.

Yet the world is full of stupid people, and they try their best acting stupid. So we would have such news report from New York Times and ABC that Cho’s picture of holding a hammer looks just like scenes from Oldboy. The Korean can see the thought process as if it’s displayed in a glass case: Let’s see, the psycho killer is Korean, so something Korean must have turned him psycho… what’s the first psychotic Korean thing I can name? … I know, Oldboy! Let’s reverse this thought process: Hmm, the psycho killer lived in America since young, so something American must have turned him psycho… where have I seen double handguns? … I know, Gary Cooper from High Noon! It’s gotta be the old Western films that turn people into mass murders! Give me a break.

The thing that makes the Korean most disappointed is that even with this, Second Amendment will live on. As long as someone lives in Virginia, he can buy any number of handguns and go on a rampage. The Korean cannot believe that it is not a bigger deal. Look, murderous psychos will always be there. Then why isn’t it more efficient to take the methods of killings away? It makes no sense. Follow Korea’s lead for once: criminalize gun possession, and lock up hunting guns during non-hunting season.

What is more interesting is the Korean people’s reaction to this. Koreans, in short, completely flipped out. The guilt trip about the fact that Cho was a Korean was simply enormous, and they desperately tried to find a way to apologize to America. Apparently, the Korean ambassador at D.C. even suggested fasting as a show of condolence and regret.

The Korean can try to somehow explain Korean’s people’s reaction through something about Korean culture – how it’s like every Korean is a family, and you take responsibility for actions of family members, not just yourself, and all that garbage. But that’s simply untrue, and saying such a thing is dishonest. Korean people flipped out because they are racists; there can be no other explanation. Only thing that Korean people can see about Cho is his race, and they reacted accordingly. They desperately try to apologize to Americans because, if the situation was reversed and 32 Koreans died in the hands of a deranged American, all Americans in Korea will be lynched.

In making this point, some Korean commentators have been giving the example of the two girls who were accidentally run over by American tanks, and how Korean people reacted strongly to that. The Korean thinks that’s a bad example, because American army represents the American government. More relevant is a case that happened a few months ago, when a Chinese man was arrested for killing his Korean girlfriend and dismembering her body. That prompted an Internet firestorm of how Chinese people in Korea are all crazy killers and they need to be driven away.

Readers, please don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. America is the least racist country in the world, and you should be grateful that you live here.

Ask A Korean! News: Open Letter to Non-Asian People

(Sorry about the unannounced absence, folks. The Korean hosted three little Korean Nephews from Colorado Springs for a whole week, and then the Korean visited the Korean Girlfriend at Aspen for a week. Hope all of you have enjoyed some nice vacation time.)

Dear Black, Hispanic, and White People:

My name is the Korean, the host of a popular blog of Ask A Korean! The Korean keeps the blog in order to edify non-Koreans, and more generally non-Asians. That means you. The Korean had been thinking that he was making good progress, but visiting a region in America mostly populated by you people made the Korean realize that more direct approach is necessary. Therefore, the Korean presents the behavioral guide of interacting with Asian Americans.

- When you meet an Asian person in America, listen to the person's English. If it's fluent, assume the person is American. Do not say "Oh, your English is so great!" unless you want a punch in the face.

- Do not ask "Where are you from?" to an Asian person unless you are reasonably certain that s/he is outside of his/her American hometown. If the Asian answers, say, "Los Angeles", do not follow up with "where are you originally from?" or "where are your parents from?" Our precise ethnicity is none of your fucking business. Do we ever ask you whether you are from Dominican Republic, Ireland, or Ivory Coast?

- Do not holler any Asian celebrity name at any Asian person. The Korean is 6'1", and plays basketball frequently. If the Korean hears one more "Yao Ming!" from one of you, he will shove a basketball up your ass.

- Do not say "gonnichiwa" to an Asian person in America, unless you are absolutely positive that the Asian person is a Japanese tourist, or you are a host/hostess of a Japanese restaurant greeting an Asian customer. (Although if you are a host/hostess, the proper greeting would be iratsaimashe.) There are relatively few Japansese Americans in America compared to Chinese or Korean Americans, so you are most likely wrong; and if you had been reading the blog, Korean people really don't like being mistaken for a Japanese. Chinese people are not all that different either.

- On second thought, don't say any Asian phrase to any Asian person, unless you are at least conversational in the language. It's the 21st century, people. We are no longer impressed by your amazing ability to say "hello".

- As a corollary, especially don't say any Asian phrase to an Asian American woman in the hopes of hooking up. Your schemes are as transparent as they are idiotic.

- While we are on the subject, although equal opportunity dating is to be encouraged, blatant yellow fever is disgusting. Nothing drives Asian women away faster than your submissive girl fetish. Plus, if you really think Asian women are domestic and submissive, you obviously haven't dated one.

- Let's change the subject a bit. Stop patronizing expensive Asian restaurants with shitty food and fancy decoration. (Way too many of them in New York.) You are just as stupid as the Russian people who wait in line for hours to eat at McDonald's. Recognize which Asian food is rightfully fancy, and which one simply has a fancy name and a $30 price tag.

(True story: The Korean went to this one chic Korean restaurant in SoHo, where they made every effort to make it seem trendy and, well, not Asian, down to 100 percent non-Asian waiting crew. We had barbecue, and one of the waiters offered the Korean a platter of "Seng Shew". It took about 10 seconds to realize that he pronounced "sangchoo", i.e. red leaf lettuce, as if he was reading French. The Korean broke a soju bottle on his head, and never returned.)

- Do not use chopsticks if you are going to make a fool of yourself and spray food all over the place. Use a fork. No one cares.

- On the other hand, if you are at a Thai restaurant and don't have chopsticks, do not act all high and mighty and ask for chopsticks. Thai people don't use chopsticks.

- On a broader topic, stop fetishizing Asian culture, like its movies and cartoons. Like everything else in the world, some Asian movies and cartoons are fantastic, and some are just plain shitty. As the Korean mentioned before, he cannot believe the number of people who liked Bicheonmu on imdb.com, which is generally considered the worst Korean movie of the decade, perhaps all-time, on the same level as Battlefield Earth.

- However, stop copying excellent Asian movies/TV shows, replacing Asian actors with white actors, and sell them in America as if you came up with that brilliant idea. Martin Scorsese, the makers of The Ring, The Grudge, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the Korean is looking at your direction.

- Do not make an Asian person around you a representative of his/her race. Do not ask questions like "Why are Korean girls so slutty?" or "Why are Chinese people so loud?" because the answers will be either wrong or incomplete. Do you know all there is to know about your heritage? Neither do we, for the most part.

- But if you must ask, send an email to askakorean@hotmail.com

p.s. Asian people, anything else that annoys you? Please email.

-ADDENDUM: 2:37 p.m. Sept. 11, 2007- One more thing the Korean thought of (because some idiot just pulled this): If you meet a Korean anywhere, never ask "North or South?" North Koreans have no freedom to travel outside of their country -- that's what it means to have a communist dictatorship. The only place that you will likely meet a North Korean is within North Korea; at that point, you wouldn't really have to ask. Everywhere else, all Koreans are South Koreans.

SXSW Day 4 Notes

Day 4 was Friday. Most of the day was spent chasing around Korean bands at off-site venues. As much fun as it is to see Korean bands in the big showcases like K-Pop Night Out or Seoulsonic, the off-site performances will give the more realistic glimpse of the bands' potential for international success. I end up seeing the off-site performances of Jambinai and Crying Nut, and an SXSW official show by Big Phony. Another post will cover those performances.

At other times, I roamed the streets of Austin for something interesting. There was a large compound in which a number of food trucks gathered. There, I spot this abomination.

I am an irrational Korean food purist. To me, most Korean food in Seoul is not authentic enough. Regardless of my preferences, this Korean-Mexican fusion truck is popular in Austin, as is the case with most cities in which Korean-Mexican fusion appeared. This truck sold "Korean tacos," "kimchi fries" and the like. I hate-stand in the line, hate-order a rice bowl and hate-eat the fucked up glop of long grain rice, cilantro, some cabbage that pretended to be kimchi and grated cheese. Then I hated myself for a while.

Walking around the famed Sixth Street in Austin, I spy a familiar name: "Seoul." Turns out, Seoul was a name of a band from Montreal. How could a Korean not step inside to see what that was about? Inside, the band called Seoul was playing a soft, dream-like ballad on the stage. (As to the linked music video: I don't why a band called "Seoul" would film its music video in Tokyo, but whatever suits them, I suppose.) The music was not half bad. I tried to find someone who was with the band to get an explanation for the name, but no luck. I briefly thought about buying the band's shirt for the irony value, but I could not even find anyone to give my money in exchange for the merchandise. I leave the venue with unresolved intrigue.

Earlier that day, I heard there was a Japan Nite showcase. Since I had enough time to catch one set before I had to head over to Big Phony's evening show, I stop by. There, I see this:

This is a Japanese idol group called Starmarie. As you can see, there are dressed like 12 year old children. They are billed as "space idols." I wish I had enough words to describe the full horror that I saw.

To be sure, I have read enough Japan's idol market and its pedophilic aesthetics, but seeing that aesthetics in person was another matter. It is common for the idol girl groups in Japan to debut around age 13, and peak around 17~19. But the physical age matters less than the images that the Japanese groups projects. After all, it is hardly unheard of in K-pop to have idol girl group with the membership in early teens. GP Basic, for example, had the average age of around 13 when the group began in 2010. But in the K-pop idol market, young girls act like fully grown women. It is still problematic that young girls are projecting a sexual image, but at least the object of desire is a grown woman.

In contrast, in their garb, speech and demeanor, Starmarie was a team of fully grown women acting like young girls. Here, the object of desire is a child, which is far more unnerving. They are wearing a pink dress and a tiara; their voice are deliberately high-pitched and "cutesy"; their choreography, while performed well, more properly belongs to pre-teens at a talent show. The fact that I actually liked their music was even more disorienting. If one looked away, one would hear speedy rock music with high-energy guitar riffs, which is typical of the Japanese rock of the 1990s. I loved listening to Japanese rock music in the mid-1990s; I would have loved to Starmarie's music sung by a rocking front woman. It was as if I was recognizing an unexpectedly beautiful, abstract pattern from a horrifying train wreck.

I furiously text all of my acquaintances who knew a thing or two about the Japanese pop scene to get more information about Starmarie. Apparently, it is a mid-major group who are considered a bit old as they are in their early 20s. The group's target audience was japanophiles outside of the country. That made sense, as the orientalism was on full display. Switching to Japanese language at the right moments, Starmarie definitely looked and acted like the imaginary Japanese women that dirty old men would dream up.

Speaking of dirty old men, the venue was full of them. The venue was actually the same one as K-Pop Night Out, but the difference in audience could not have been more striking. The size of the crowd for K-Pop Night Out was at least double. KPNO's crowd leaned toward young, energetic girls who were ready to charge the stage, screaming their lungs out for Jay Park. Japan Nite's crowd leaned toward older, quiet men with gleaming eyes as they kept their distance from the stage.

As someone whose pop music staple growing up included a healthy dose of Japanese music, I knew that Japan has better music to offer. I left the venue, hoping that the scene would improve over time. It did not, according to a person who worked the venue that night. The high point of Japan Nite was Starmarie, and the audience count went even further down thereafter. Pity; Japanese pop deserved better at SXSW.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Best of the Worst 2013

It is yet another installation of AAK!'s year-end tradition: the worst emails of the year 2013! This year has been another reaffirmation of the eternal truth that, on the Internet, the supply of stupidity is infinite. Despite seeing the examples of dumb questions from 2008, 2009, 2010 (in Parts I, II, and III), 2011 and 2012, people simply do not learn.

As usual, these are all real emails that the Korean really received. Other than redacting personal information, not a single thing about the email is changed or modified in any way. The Korean's comments and thoughts on the emails are highlighted in blue.

--------------------------------------------

re: question

Kiseung had an initiation of the" Chignon",the putting up of hair.
What was the significance of that…?

Why a burial mound?

I'm sorry, who's Kiseung? And what does "chignon" mean in ancient Korean?

re: (no subject)

I DON'T GET WHY I ASIAN'S DON'T LIKE BLACK GIRL I MEAN IM REALLY DIFFERENT FROM OTHER BLACK GIRL. I DON'T HANG OUT WITH A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO LOUD RUDE AND GHETTO I REALLY DONT LIKE PEOPLE LIKE THAT I USAALY HANG WITH SPANISH AND I HAVE ABOUT 10 ASIAN FRIEND BUT THEY ARE CHINESE AND VIETNAMESE AND 1 KOREAN BUT SHE IS MIXED WITH BLACK I MEAN IM NOT FULLY BLACK BECAUSE MY MOM IS BLACK AND VIETNAMESE IM JAMAICAN AND VIETNAMESE.MY FAMILY DON'T REALLY GET ALONG WITH BLACK THAT MUCH IM INTO KOREAN MOSTLY AND JAPANESE I LOVE K-DRAMA AND THE CULTURE. I SPEAK IT A LITTLE BECAUSE ON MY FREE TIMES I ONLY WATCH THE DRAMAS OH AND THE GUYS ARE REALLY CUTE BUT IM NOT BEING RUDE BUT THE GIRLS ARE HARD TO TRUST I LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCES GUESS DRAMAS SRE RIGHT BUT YEAH

Right. But, yeah. Right. Right.

re: question for a korean

I was just curious if a korean and an american have children. considering when whites and blacks have children they are called maloto or millato or something so what would a korean white baby be called  just curious as i live with one as a roomate.

They would be called, "Please just shut the fuck up."

re: (no subject)

I've been living here for several years now, grew up in Europe, but this country has the highest percentage of dumb, selfish, egocentric people I've ever experienced. Just hard work and discipline doesn't cut it. Moral, ethics and sincerity are equally important.

Regards,

Glad to be a non-korean

So, your question is...?

More stupidity, after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com. But no stupid questions please. I just can't take it anymore.

Spin That Pen, DJ Korean

Dear Korean,

A friend of mine, a former U.S. Marine, was stationed in Korea and he once asked me why all Korean guys are able to spin pens with their fingers. Unfortunately, I do not have this ability even though I’m Korean and wasn’t able to give him an answer. However, I did attempt to do the pen-spinning trick for him, but I nearly took out his eye.

Anyway, I have noticed that many of my Korean friends can do this and I’m wondering where it stems from. Is this a sign of our incredible finger dexterity (which I’m apparently lacking) or do we just get bored easily?

The Other Korean

Dear Other Korean,

How dare you rip off the Korean’s name? We will have to settle the superiority of our Koreanness at some point – it will probably involve a drinking competition.

There are several types of pen-spinning tricks that young Koreans do. (It’s not just guys, by the way.) The Korean himself can only do the simplest one, the 360-degree turn. Other more difficult ones include the 180-degree turn and the climber. (The pen is initially held between middle and ring fingers, and the pen flips up into its normal position between index and middle fingers. Double-climber is also possible, flipping up twice starting from ring and pinky fingers.)

A 360-degree turn is really primitive compared to the difficulty and the visual effect of a double climber, but the Korean was able to amaze a lot of Americans while he was mindlessly spinning his pen, thinking about something else. Then the Korean was surprised because Americans, no matter how they tried, couldn’t do the simplest spin.

Why is that? One possibility could be the famous “chopstick dexterity” theory. The theory was that because Asian Americans are trained to manipulate chopsticks since very young, they are good at precise digit controls. In fact, this is one of the theories of the 1980s that explained why Japan could make such amazingly precise electronics.

But this theory is just too hokey to be true. If that were true, what are the equivalent theories for precise German optics or precise Swiss watches? That good-quality beer actually helps hand-eye coordination?

No one knows for certain, but the Korean’s own theory is that pen-spinning is developed in the same way as chip-shuffling by poker players develop. On an average poker table at a casino, there would always be a select few who put on a show without playing any hands. They would get two or more stacks of chips and bring them up into a single tower, roll multiple chips from one hand to the other, and so on and so forth. How can they do it?

First, of course, they have digit dexterity (which one does not need to master chopsticks usage to have.) But more importantly, they are in a similar situation as young Koreans – namely, they have to sit at a table/desk for a very, very long time.

The Korean will devote a post to the life as a student in Korea, but for the purpose of this post it suffices to say that the student life in Korea is pretty miserable. Until very recently, Korean students went to school six days a week, including Saturdays. High school students still have classes on Saturday. Some high schools begin very early and finish extremely late. The school that the Korean went began at 7:30 a.m. and finished at 11 p.m. No joke. The school also averaged one suicide per year. In most cases, students of all levels attend private tutoring every day for hours.

(As a side note, this makes it pretty difficult for the Korean to listen to the whining of American high school students. Whatever effort that American high school students put in to get into a good college, on average, has nothing, absolutely nothing on what average Korean high school students do.)

All this means that Korean students spend an inordinate amount of time sitting in front of a desk, easily 10 hours a day at least. But human attention span has its limits, so there has to be different ways to entertain yourself. Some students doodle, some students pass notes, and some practice spinning a pen, the only thing that can legitimately be on the desk. (The Korean supposes there could be books on the desk as well, but spinning a book is too noticeable.)

By the way, as of 2008, the Korean has lived in America for more than 10 years. The Korean heard that the way schools are in Korea has undergone some drastic changes, but doesn’t have the full details yet. Any update would be more than welcome.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Korean is in the news. (The article is in Korean.)

-EDIT 5/2/2008- FINE, the Korean will give an English translation.

The article was on Korea Daily, a Korean-language newspaper in New York. The interview was done in Korean, so the translation (especially the Korean's quotes) is kind of awkward.


Ask A Korean!

"Ask A Korean" Answers Korean Cultural Questions Posed by Second-Generation Koreans, non-Koreans/ Half of the questions come from 1.5-2nd generation, also from Southeast Asia/Non-Korean Ask about Korean Men the Most


"Is it ok to marry a Korean man?" "What does Andong Kim mean?"

These are the questions submitted to "Ask a Korean", a blog to which people can ask about Korean culture. The questions of course come from the U.S., but they also come from Canada, Korea, Australia, Southeast Asia.

"The Korean", who has been writing the blog since 2006, hides his identity behind a mask. All that is known is that he has lived in Korea until he was 16 when he moved to California, and he is a Korean man in his late 20s living in New York. This reporter met "the Korean" on the condition of anonymity.

*Understanding Misunderstood Culture - "I try to answer all questions from second generation Koreans."

The Korean always try to answer questions from second generation Koreans, who comprise about half of all questioners.

"For second generation Koreans who do not live in Los Angeles or New York, their parents are the only window into Korean culture. So there are many things that they misunderstand a lot about it."

Because the parents often say "this is how Koreans do things" without thinking, he said there are many cases in which the particularities of a family is confused with characteristics of all Koreans.

Korean adoptees ask as well. They would give the Korean their Korean name, asking for its meaning; they would also ask about Korean spelling of their name, intending to tattoo their name. A mixed-heritage Korean also asked "my mother keeps on saying I am Andong Kim, what does that mean?"

One non-Korean asked, "I have a Korean neighbor -- what's wrong with Korean culture?" The Korean replied, "it's not Korean culture, it's your neighbor."

The variety of the questions is infinite, including hojeok, family relations, Korean grammar. Many questions require weeks and months of study and reflection.

"I really learn a lot. All the different areas like Korean culture, history, and society all connect through the blog."

* What are Korean men like? - "I am trying to meet a Korean man through a broker. Is that ok?"

The most common question is about Korean men. The question is especially frequent from Southeast Asian women.

There was a case in which a Filipina who lived in Korea through marriage asked for the Korean's help. The woman, who was being abused by her husband in a country without any acquaintance, found the Korean on the Internet and told her circumstances. The Korean introduced her to an organization that helped abused Filipinas in Korea.

Other non-Korean women who are dating or married to Korean men ask similar questions. One non-Korean woman said "my boyfriend's mother is too cold to me," and asked how to be more recognized from Korean parents.

Ancient Yellow Fever Sold Here

Dear Korean,

Were there any intermarriage between Koreans and other ethnicities (during the 1500s-1800s) and if so, what were the ethnicities likely to be? I've been very curious to know if in fact we are mixed because we are often mistaken for Japanese or mixed with Caucasian. I know that this "mix" is not recent and was probably during that period.

Grace K.


Dear Grace,

The Korean thinks what you said is a little odd – how does “mixed with Caucasian” equate to Japanese? And how did you come up with those three centuries, when the history of Korea goes for several millennia?

At any rate, it may surprise people that Koreans did have some degree of genetic mixing (otherwise known as horizontal mambo) with non-Koreans, or even non-East Asians. Early Korean history is full of accounts in which heroic figures were born from an egg that floated from faraway land. Korean historians now believe that such legends are metaphorical indications that there were immigrations from Southeast Asia or South Asia to Korea. (It sounds silly written this way, but the evidence – in terms of artifacts or matches between legends of Korea and legends of South Asia, etc. makes it the theory sound at least plausible.)

Earliest case that concretely recorded a non-East Asian emigrating to the Korean peninsula happened around 11th century, when Goryeo dynasty established a trading post in Byeokran-do, an island at the mouth of Yeseong river (near Gaeseong, North Korea.) The picture is a re-creation of the Byeokran-do trading post, built for a historical drama. (Source)


Byeokran-do was frequented by hundreds of Arabian merchants, who were known to trade with China via sea. In fact, historians usually credit these merchants for the name “Korea”, a derivation of Goryeo. Koreans called the merchants saekmok’in, “people with colored eyes.”

Historical records show at least one Arabian merchant staying Korea, presumably marrying a local Korean woman. The Goryeo king awarded him a Korean name of Jang Sunryong, who became the starting point of Deoksu Jang clan. (More discussion about Korean surnames here.) The Korean would not be surprised if there were many more such cases not recorded into history. The picture is Goryeo people's rendition of the Arabian merchants. (Source)


Another instance of non-East Asian immigration is with a person named Seol Son. Seol was an ethnic Uyghur, who live in what is now western China, bordering the “stan” countries. He had an official position in China, and immigrated to Korea in order to run away from a rebellion in 1358. He received an official position and a surname from the Korean king.

Goryeo was clearly more open to overseas trade than the dynasty followed, i.e. Joseon dynasty. Joseon was dubbed the “hermit kingdom”, as it sought self-sufficiency with minimal foreign contact. But there was at least two prominent occasions in which non-East Asians came, stayed and got married in Korea. Interestingly, they were both Dutch.

The first was a man named Jan Janse Weltevree. He was a Dutch sailor working on a ship that sailed between Jakarta, Indonesia (which at that time was a Dutch colony) and Nagasaki, Japan. In 1627, he and two of his shipmates were shipwrecked on the coast Jeju Island, the southernmost island of Korea. They were caught and sent to Hanyang, i.e. modern-day Seoul.

Weltevree and his shipmates worked as firearms instructors for the Korean military, and fought in a war against China in 1636. Only Weltevree survived the war. The Korean king at the time recognized his bravery, gave him a name Bak Yeon. (Bak = Park in many cases.) He married a Korean woman, and had one son and one daughter.

The second occasion was another group of Dutch sailors, a whopping 35 of them. The most famous one was a man named Hendrick Hamel, who eventually left/escaped Korea to return to Netherlands after thirteen years along with seven of his cohorts. Hamel later wrote a book about his experience, which ended up becoming the first book in Europe about Korea. (Source)

Similar to Weltevree, they were shipwrecked in Jeju Island in 1653, when Weltevree was 58. In fact, when the Dutch sailors were captured, Weltevree was asked to be an interpreter. Hamel's journal indicates that Weltevree's Dutch, after decades of inaction, was so poor that Hamel did not recognize it as a language at first. Korean historical records indicate that at least 10 of the 35 Dutch sailors married Korean women and settled in southwestern Korea.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

"All o'Y'all Look Alike!!"

Dear Korean,

This is a question about something I've heard in various forms from a lot of non-Asian Americans. Simply put, people tend to say that "all Asians look alike." That's an obvious exaggeration, but I'm wondering whether you think East Asians really do look more alike than people of European descent. After all, most East Asians have dark eyes and dark hair of a similar texture, whereas Europeans have many different eye colors and hair colors/textures. (Of course, I'm not counting perms, dye, and contact lenses.) Asian body types also seem to be more uniform than European ones. Is it just American stupidity or do Asians really look more alike than other groups?

Andrew T.

Dear Andrew,

You do have a point: All East Asians have dark hair and dark eyes. But really, that's all. Outside of hair and eye color, there is a whole lot more variation in East Asians than you might think. The point is illustrated by Isabella Byrd Bishop, a British woman who traveled Korea in 19th century. She visited a Buddhist temple in Korea whose claim to fame was its statuettes of 500 disciples of Buddha, and this was her impression: "Among the infinite variety, one figure has deeply set eyes, an aquiline nose, and thin lips; another a pug nose, squinting eyes, and a broad grinning mouth; one is Mongolian, another Caucasian, and another approximates to the Negro type. Here is a stout, jolly fellow, with a leer and a broad grin suggestive of casks of porter and the archaic London drayman..."

In other words, all other bodily features of East Asians could be radically different. The skin complexion can go anywhere from very dark to very light, roughly going from a slightly light-skinned black person's complexion to completely pasty. The hair curls and texture range from very straight and fine to very curly and coarse, almost to the level of jewfro. Eye size, nose size, lip size, height, build, you name it; East Asians are hardly uniform. If you think all Asians are short and have slight build, the Korean has 25 sumo wrestlers who would prove otherwise by sitting on you.

This then begs the question: Why do people think all Asians look alike? "Because people are stupid" is never a good answer. The answer has to do with heuristics. (The Korean covered it once here. Read it if you'd like a more detailed explanation.) To recap quickly: heuristics is a mental shortcut. People engage in heuristics by extracting the most prominent information out of a certain situation; if people encounter a new situation that shares the same prominent information, they conclude that the new situation is the same as the previous situation. Heuristics is useful because it enables quick decision-making with little information.

So suppose you are a person who has never seen an Asian person. You meet your first Asian man in your life; not very well met, just a random encounter at a party or something. What would you remember about his looks? Unless he has stunningly good looks, the only prominent thing you would remember about his appearnce a few days later would be his dark hair and his general Asian-ish looks. Then you meet your second Asian guy -- and bingo, the second Asian guy has dark hair and general Asian-ish looks. They both look the same!

(This is, in fact, one of the mechanisms through which deja vu can happen. Even though you are in a new place, for example, it feels like you have been there before. It's because some time in the past, you only remembered certain features of a place, and this new place shares the same features.)

This process happens to any race of people who are considered "exotic". A lot of white people thought black people looked all the same, until discussing race became the powder keg that it is right now. Here's a confession: the Korean himself, for some years after he moved to the U.S., had the hardest time distinguishing Danny Glover and Morgan Freeman. They are both slim, distinguished-looking black men who have some gray hair -- at least, those were the only things that stuck in the Korean's head whenever he saw Mr. Glover or Mr. Freeman. So even though they look nothing like each other, the Korean's mind just jumped the gun, until he consciously tried to remember every single facial feature of the two men.

As you might have noticed, this process definitely works the other way around as well. Europeans are more of a mix, but they can be broadly divided into light-haired, fair-skinned types and dark-haired, swarthy types. So if you are a white person traveling in Asia, you will definitely hear comments like "You look just like [insert the representative movie star here.]" It's pretty flattering to hear, but just remember that such a statement is the same ilk as "All Asians look alike."

In that case, how can one distinguish different Asians by looks? (i.e. Korean, Japanese, Chinese, etc.?) Well, that's for another, highly interesting post.

Got a question or comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

Dog Meat, and Cultural Conquistadors

The Korean has already touched upon dog meat in Korea in a previous post, which is one of the most frequently read posts on this blog. But because the post attempted to cover both the facts about Korea's dog meat consumption, the Korean's own opinion, and additional questions regarding that topic, it has become a bit unwieldy.

Recently, the BusanHaps magazine ran a couple of stories about dog meat. The second story was written by Ms. Frankie Herrington, who wishes to abolish dog meat from Korea. The Korean figured that this would be a good chance to present a cleaner and more focused argument about why dog meat consumption in Korea must not be banned, and about how dog meat abolitionists -- both Korean and non-Korean -- are making things worse by standing in the way of reasonable regulations. Haps was gracious enough to allow me to submit the story, which is reproduced below. (Warning:  it's long.)

Just a couple of points to make before we get into the op-ed. The story has been up on the Haps magazine for about three days now, and the discussion in the comments section has been, ahem, lively. In the Korean's opinion, the two takeaways from the discussion on the board so far are:

1. CARE, one of Korea's leading animal rights organizations that opposes regulating the dog meat industry, essentially confirmed the Korean's point in its comment:

"The reality is: passing the Animal Protection Law does very little in terms of enforcement and punishment of cruelty to animals. This is a sad reality. We can prove this by pointing to the fact that dogs are still hanged for food and crammed into cages during transportation, despite clear language in the APL saying it is forbidden. So, why support the APL? Because doing so sends a message of opposition to people who abuse animals. We want to deter people from acting cruelly to animals, even if the law has no real biting power.

Regulating the dog meat industry would also do very little in terms of changing the industry to more humane standards. If the government were to make dog meat "legal" and "regulated," it would be sending a message of compliance; i.e. it is OK to eat regulated dog meat "because the dogs are riased [sic] and killed humanely.""

As discussed in the op-ed, the Korean's point was that animal rights groups, including CARE, are not actually in the business of improving animals' lives; rather, they are in the business of culture war. By this comment, CARE frankly states that it approaches legislation as a means to send messages, rather than as a means to actually improve the lives of meat dogs.

2.  It is self-evident from the exchanges in the comment section which side of the debate is more serious and level-headed, and which side is hyper-emotional and irrational. Except for a few high notes struck by CARE (which the Korean does appreciate) and one or two other commenters, the behavior of the anti-dog meat crowd has been a display on everything bad about discourse on the Internet.

Having said that, the full op-ed is available after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

What is the Line Between Curious and Creepy?

Dear Korean,

While reading through several different entries on your blog I noticed that while you seem to have frustration toward non-Asian people who don't know how to interact with Asian Americans, you also seem to have a disdain for people with "yellow fever" or who are caught up in the Korean wave. What do you consider a normal balance between having no clue about Asians and having a creepy obsession with them? Is there some sort of normal or appropriate level of interest in Asian culture?

Joanna C.

Dear Joanna,

The Korean likes your question so much that it jumped the line. The Korean likes it because it really goes to the heart of appreciating different cultures, of what to do and what not to do.

First, you have the Korean exactly pegged. He is very annoyed by people who do not know how to deal with Asian Americans. He also finds blatant yellow fever to be vile. The Korean's stance is not idiosyncratic to himself -- this is generally resonant with prevalent Asian American attitudes. These two stances appear to be opposite of each other, because one appears to be about knowing too little while the other appears to be about knowing too much. So maybe a middle ground is the way to go?

Actually, no. What appears to be two opposite things is actually two different manifestations of the same root cause, and it is that root cause that Asian Americans find annoying. The name of that root cause is "objectification."

Here, the Korean is using the term "objectification" to mean treating a person like a non-person or a half-person. This is the incessantly recurring reality for Asian Americans: instead of being treated as a whole person, they are treated as an abstract representation of their ethnicity. We may breathe, walk and talk like real persons, but we are not quite a real person like white Americans are real.

Let us start with the cluelessness with Asian Americans part. In one of the post popular posts in AAK! history, the Korean wrote:

Do not ask "Where are you from?" to an Asian person unless you are reasonably certain that s/he is outside of his/her American hometown. If the Asian answers, say, "Los Angeles", do not follow up with "where are you originally from?" or "where are your parents from?" Our precise ethnicity is none of your fucking business.

Why is the question annoying? It is annoying because when a clueless person insists on asking "Where are your parents from?" to an Asian American, it becomes clear that the person is fixating on the ethnicity of the Asian American above all else. The many other possible interests -- the human interests -- of that Asian American are ignored and buried under the person's ethnicity. That Asian American might like Tupac, enjoy Russian literature and have a strong opinion on balancing the federal budget. No matter. She will be defined by her parents' country of origin, because the questioner cannot get past her looks. In the eyes of the questioner, she is no longer a person with real experience, real emotions -- she is an object, a representation of her ethnicity, a scale-model of "Asian-ness."

Here is another example that the Korean wrote:

Do not say "gonnichiwa" to an Asian person in America ... On second thought, don't say any Asian phrase to any Asian person, unless you are at least conversational in the language. It's the 21st century, people. We are no longer impressed by your amazing ability to say "hello".

Throwing out one or two pieces of meager Asian language vocabulary to an Asian American is doubly insulting. It signifies not only that the the verbiage-thrower sees the Asian American's ethnicity above and beyond all else, but also that the thrower thinks offering an ethnicity-specific magic word will somehow cause a friendly reaction.

More after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Where is Korean Rock?

Dear Korean,

I know that you've touched a little bit on Korean rock music-- particularly in your "most influential" series-- but I was curious as to what the rock scene is really like in Korea today. Why is there so little Korean rock music? How are rockers treated today in Korea, considering the dominance of the K-pop idols?

Curious K-Rock fan

Let's address the first question first -- why is there so little Korean rock music?

Answer:  the premise of the question is wrong, because there are tons of Korean rock music. Tons. Let's put it this way: if we played a game where the Korean names two rock songs for every one idol group song, the Korean guarantees that he will win every time. In fact, this is one of the most frustrating things about discussion Korean pop music -- the idea that manufactured pretty boys and pretty girls comprise the entire universe of K-pop. Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Nor is this guy the entirety of K-pop.
You had your fun, people. It's time to move on.
(source)

It is true that Korean rock is less visible to the international audience because Korean rock, unlike Korean idol groups, is not systematically pushed abroad by well-capitalized management companies. It is also true that Korean rock is less "mainstream," in a sense that Korean rock sells less number of albums, appear less on television and less frequently heard (if at all) in shopping malls in Korea.

But so what? Isn't being independent, underground and non-commercial more properly within the spirit of rock and roll? Do you know how many number one singles that the legendary rock band Radiohead has? Zero. How about other legends like Led Zeppelin or Depeche Mode? Also zero. Celine Dion has not one, but two, albums that outsold Nirvana's Nevermind, widely considered the greatest alternative rock album ever. Speaking of Nevermind, you would never hear Smells like Teen Spirit in your neighborhood mall. But does any of these factoids diminish the importance or influence of rock music? Of course not.

The lesson here is simple: people like mainstream pop more than rock music. That's why mainstream pop is mainstream. Korean pop music scene is not an exception -- that's why mainstream Korean pop established a beachhead in the international stage first. But that should not lead to the conclusion that rock music does not exist in Korea, or Korean people don't like rock music. In fact, rock music is one of the two pillars that hold up the foundation of Korean pop music, and it has a storied history in Korea. (The other pillar is -- don't laugh -- trot [트로트]. This will be explained in a future post.)

(More after the jump.)

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Translation Review - 빛의 제국/Your Republic is Calling You by Kim Young-Ha (2010)

The Korean, apparently, is big time nowadays -- he is receiving free new books from publishers in hopes of having them reviewed on the blog. Life as a Z-list celebrity is sweet.

So far the Korean has received several novels, but he did not really review any of them. Truth is, the Korean is not much of a novel reader at all. When he does, he only reads canonical texts for the sake of being more educated, not really for the sake of being entertained. Because of that, the Korean is not very capable of giving a good review of a novel.

But the most recent novel sent to the Korean was different. Your Republic is Calling You is a translated Korean novel. See, the Korean may not be a good novel reader, but he is a pretty damned good translator. So he may not be able to give a good novel review, he can give a solid translation review.

Korean original of Your Republic is Calling You

So the Korean went out and bought Korean version of Your Republic is Calling You, which is actually called 빛의 제국 (“Empire of Lights”). For the first half of the two books, the Korean first read a section of 빛의 제국, then read the same section in Your Republic is Calling You. Then for the second half, the Korean read through and finished 빛의 제국, then read through the entire second half of Your Republic is Calling You.

But first, a little bit about the novel itself. Kim Young-Ha is a promising young novelist in Korea, and this is his fourth novel. 빛의 제국 was originally published in 2006, and the English version was published in late 2010. The translator is Kim Chi-Young.

Kim Young-Ha

Your Republic begins with main character Kim Ki-Yong, a 42-year-old who runs a small movie import business in Seoul. He is married to his wife Ma-Ri who is a saleswoman at Volkswagen dealership. The couple has a daughter Hyon-Mi, a bright high school student with typical teenage angst. Ki-Yong leads a peaceful if lethargic life, until one morning, a mysterious email directs him to Order Number 4: “Liquidate everything and return immediately.” Now Ki-Yong, a North Korean spy who had been undercover for 21 years and received his last orders more than a decade ago, has one day to undo his life of two decades. On that same day, Ma-Ri and Hyon-Mi go through their own unusual, personal adventures.

“Kafkaesque” is the word that is often used to describe the tone of the novel. That description is fair, in a sense that Your Republic sterilely narrates events that appear to be manipulating individuals beyond their control. But with Kafka, it does not really matter where the story was set. The value of The Trial endures because the aspects of the modern legal system (or more generally, the modern state) identified in the novel resonates universally. In contrast, Your Republic is completely dependent upon the stage. Unlike the story of Josef K., Ki-Yong’s story can happen only in the context of the two Koreas.

Therein lies the translator’s challenge. The events and emotions attendant to that story may be very familiar to Koreans, but not necessarily so for non-Koreans. Like most translations are, it is not simply about conveying meaning -- it is also about conveying the emotions evoked by the meaning. So how did our translator do?

More after the jump. WARNING: many, many spoilers after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Ask a Korean! News: The Best of the Worst

Dear readers,

The Korean receives a lot of questions. In the 2.5 year history of AAK!, the Korean has answered more than 1,000 questions publicly over the blog and privately over the email.

Among those, there certainly are some questions that are total head-scratchers. The Korean simply deleted them at first, but at some point the Korean began to collect them for entertainment value. Now that the collection is at a good size, the Korean can share an exquisite sample of those questions. These are all real emails from real people.

Um, What do You Need??

Hi, Where can I find older korean sexual tapes? Are there some on the market?

- H. Blash

Hi, My name is Phil, I live in Paris, France. Could you please help me: I 'm looking for some typical korean gay web sites? Could you give me some web sites adresses / URL. I love korean guys. You are so beautilfull all of you korean guys! I'm looking for KOREAN web site with gay porn pics and vids. Thank you very much.

- Phil

Ask a Korean! is NOT Korea Living Assistance!

Hello, I am going to the Incheon airport tomorrow, and I need to ask a bus driver this question: "Does this bus go to Bucheon?".

I think it is this 이 버스는 부천에 갈 수 있습니까? bus I am not sure. Is this correct? Or is it too formal?

- Ian K.

When and where is the queer festival for 2009? Thanks!

- Tiffini B.

Dear Korean, My friend and I are coming to Soeul for a few days around Christmas, from Tokyo, where we live. What should we do? Where should we stay? We are poor, and we want to have random adventures! Can we stay with you? If you come to Tokyo, you can stay with us!

- Yelena

Does the Korean SOUND Like a Treasure Hunter??

Hey the Korean, I find your site incredibly enlightening and although this isn't quite your area I thought you might be able to help. I have been looking forever to find the dojang for the poet Kim Sowol. [Emphasis added by the Korean. Dojang = "stamp"] It is driving me nuts. I have searched in English, getting absolutely nothing relevant (it doesn't help that it is some kind of popular martial arts). My searches in Korean also have not been great (I learned Korean to do research on the DPRK, but my skills with google are pretty useless). I feel like I should just give up because it isn't all that important, but I have spent so much time that I feel like it was a waste. If you don't know where I could look can you give me an idea of whether this is publicly available, I assumed as in the west that signatures of writers and artists would be well known, but maybe I misunderstood. Thanks for all the hilarious and serious answers you give.

- Kate

Right, Because the Korean Knows Every Single Korean on Earth, Past and Present...

Dear Friend,

I am trying to contact my friend Mesuk Ahn that once lived in Gaithersburg, Maryland and worked in Waldorf, Maryland in the USA. In January 2003 she returned to Korea and I lost contact with her. She was born October 17, 1977 and she is from Seoul, Korea.

- Jim H.

Hello there, My name is Jimmy and I need to know if Korean women keep their last names( as do the Vietnamese) when marrying an american. Also, if I were looking for a friend from 1965, any idea how to begin. Thanks.

- Jimmy L.

WAAAAY Too Much Information, Thanks

Hiya,

I would like to know if Korean guys find it a turn-on or are just generally cool with their women vomitting on them. The reason I ask is because I've watched a view Kdramas and in almost every one of these the girl always vomits on the guy. I know that whatever comes off TV is not reality and in my experience quite the opposite of reality; does this mean that Korean women wished their men were cool with it because they're actually not?

I hope I made sense.

- Anonymous Coward

Dear Korean,

im 21 and pregnant. i only like korean guys though. if i hunt for an outcasted, fatter, balding, older one, would i yet stand a chance at marriage? or is that taboo to get with a knocked up white girl? im cute.

ahhh korean korean. its not you i really want... its ur moms kimchi.. how can i reach her..?? T T

- Audrey E.

hi, im currently trying to start back up in school, i was in korea for almost 2 years( U.S Airforce) my biological mother is korean, and still lives in korea, she is still ill, i still have my dream of living in korea, work wise of course the only thing i could think of is teaching english in korea if i wanted to live there. Im wondering how difficult it would be to move to korea to live for good. when i was there for my u.s aiforce tour i really enjoyed it there, made lots of friends and got back in contact with my mother. I i figured if i lived there i would be able to see my mother as much as i wanted. (she is currently in a busan hospital, been there for the passed 8 years, so they have said) Another thing is on teaching english in korea alot of my friends say getting my education is not a really big deal (korean american friends), Alot of them have dropped out of college and left to go teach english in korea. i would greatly appreciate any answers on how to maybe get korean citizenship. and how important is my education just to teach english in korea as perhaps a permenant job.

- Danny P.

No, Thanks. The Economy is Not THAT Bad Yet, and the Korean is Waiting on Random House

Hi Korean,

I am a publisher of internet dating websites and I am constantly looking for high quality writers to produce articles. I stumbled upon your blog and enjoyed reading your style of writing. If you are interested in writing dating issues specifically pertaining to Korean dating culture, please drop me a line. Looking forward to your favorable reply.

best regards,

- Tim K.
[Company name redacted]

Hey Korean,

my name is BlueMystery and I'm a dating coach for PickupAsia (www.pickupasia.com).

I want to give you an interview about dating in the country you are currently blogging about, or give you the chance to share your opinion on 'professional dating companies' in Korea (which is something new since you've been here in 2001) or even if they are needed. I want to give your readers some insight on what it takes to meet and date women of Korea so that they can live happier lives, if that's something that is even possible.

Our company has been serving clients since 2007 and have recently been on a T.V interview in Hong Kong (we'll send you a link as soon as we get it in mid-April. We also already have a format for questions which you can refer to if you'd like.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

- BlueMystery

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com. (But for God's sake, think about it for a few minutes before you send it.)

The Korean's English Acquisition, and the Best Method to Master a Foreign Language, Guaranteed

Dear Korean,

My name is The English Teacher. The English Teacher has a question for The Korean. The English Teacher read the Korean's recent post about the interesting 바보 Ray. In that post, The Korean said that he came to America at the age of 16, without knowing English. The English Teacher can judge by The Korean's prose that his written English is for all intents and purposes, perfect (unless The Korean employs an editor to raise said prose, which The English Teacher thinks is unlikely). The English Teacher wonders about The Korean's spoken English. Do people know that The Korean is a non-native speaker when they hear him talk? If so, how noticeable is The Korean's accent? How old is The Korean, if he doesn't mind The English Teacher asking?

As a teacher of English to Korean high-school students, The English Teacher is merely curious about how much he can expect from his students, and what he can tell his students when they ask how much improvement they will see if they go to the US to study English.


The English Teacher


Dear English Teacher,

The Korean is very happy to see the third-person speak catching on. It is the Korean’s wish to have AAK! sounding like a discussion among enlightened pro wrestlers.

But yes, the Korean did come to America at the age of 16 years and 8 months. He is now 28 years and 10 months old. But saying he came “without knowing English” is an exaggeration, since the Korean received regular English education in Korean public schools before he came to the U.S. (Although many readers would know that does not mean a whole lot.)

And no, AAK! does not have a copy editor. (But that does not stop the grammarians from emailing the Korean with grammatical mistakes in his post. Keep them coming!) As to the Korean’s spoken English, you can be the judge. Here is an interview that the Korean did with UCLA radio about Barack Obama’s election. People who hear the Korean have said that he has a West Coast accent, characterized by slightly slower speech and a stronger r sound. The Korean also has a fairly obvious Korean American inflection. (Not a Korean accent, mind you – those who have spoken to many second generation Korean Americans know what the Korean is talking about.)

Map of American dialects, based on the PBS special Do You Speak American?

To give a self-assessment, the fact that he learned English relatively late still subtly bothers the Korean in certain situations. The Korean has a really hard time reading people’s handwritings unless they are extremely neat, because he just has not seen enough of them growing up. Also, he often stumbles on scientific/medical terms that persons with his education would generally know. (For example, the Korean can never remember which leg bone is the “femur”.) Idioms give the Korean a hard time as well – it took him years to figure out what the phrase “cut the cheese” meant. The Korean still hates talking on the phone in English because he has to concentrate extra hard compared to speaking face-to-face. Careful readers of AAK! also may have noticed that the Korean still slips up on the usages of articles and prepositions.

But in the grand scheme of things, all of the foregoing are just minor annoyances. The Korean obviously feels pretty comfortable in English, and he rarely has a difficult time expressing any concept in English.

Would the English Teacher’s students be able to do what the Korean did? The Korean thinks they can, although it won’t be easy. The Korean will describe his English acquisition below. Despite his commendation of the third-person speak in the beginning, the Korean will now switch to first person – because this process was a rather personal affair.

How the Korean learned English, and the Korean’s guaranteed method of achieving fluency in another language, after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

What Makes a Person a Korean?

Dear Korean,

My wife was born and raised in Korea, as was her brother who did obligatory military service. Initially when they came to the US, they felt that one can only be “Korean” if they were born and raised on the Korean peninsula and served in the Korean military, if they were male. Otherwise, people who deserted Korea for economic or educational reasons are former or 1.5 or 2nd generation Koreans. Like that Cho Seung Hui dude, although he was a Korean national with a Green Card, he really was more so a Korean American since, like you, his family left for greener pastures. Even the Korean press emphasized this point.

What’s your opinion on the matter of “Korean-ness?”

John I.

Dear John,

Profound question – it won’t be easy to answer. The Korean really struggled to organize his thoughts on this topic, and finally he decided to just write in a stream of consciousness. Here it is.

The first reaction by the Korean reading your email was: Why does it matter for anyone to be a Korean? It is not as if being an ethnic Korean entitles you to anything. (To be sure, being a Korean citizen would entitle you to a lot of things, but obviously this is not what we are talking about here.)

But strike that. Being an ethnic Korean does entitle you to one very valuable thing: You are a presumptive member of a large group of people who are predisposed to being friendly to you, i.e. other Koreans.

Why are Koreans predisposed to being friendly to each other? Because it is presumed (usually correctly) that Koreans have shared a common experience. Obviously, Koreans in Korea live in the same land and share their destiny as habitants of the same country. All Korean Americans have experienced immigration directly or indirectly, dealt with the same language and cultural issues, and overcame the same obsessive parents. And there are enough in common between Koreans in Korea and Korean Americans to have the bond that is stronger than two complete strangers.

So when your brother-in-law says someone is Korean and someone is not, he is really evaluating whom to share that bond with. After all, having a ready-made cordiality (friendship may be too strong of a word) is not a trivial thing.

(An aside: Is this racist? The Korean doesn’t think so. On a superficial level, liking someone based on race may appear racist. But that’s not really the reason why Koreans tend to like other Koreans. Koreans like one another because generally there is enough shared experience to provide for an instant friendship. At the end of the day, we will become friends more easily with people who have had similar experience as ours. Race happens to provide a shortcut indicator.)

How to Measure One’s Koreanness?

Then is there any way to determine if someone is Korean? The most obvious first step is whether someone considers his/herself to be a Korean. After all, one cannot be forced into a group identity – group identity is only a part of self-identity, and no one can control the way you regard yourself.

(Here is an interesting example of forced-upon group identity: In 1997, Miss Universe was Brook Lee, a quarter Korean. Her grandfather was a Korean who immigrated to Hawaii. The Korean media went nuts when Lee won Miss Universe – Look, world’s most beautiful woman has some Korean in her! However, all this attention from Korea bewildered Lee, who said until she was mobbed by Korean media, she did not really consider herself Korean.)

But does subjective acceptance of group identity suffice? It cannot. There have to be some objective barometers because purely subjective measures would be ludicrous. One who is be born outside of Korea from non-Korean parents, has never visited Korea, does not know one word in Korean, dislikes all Korean food, cannot handle even one shot of soju, etc., cannot possibly become Korean by simply believing oneself to be a Korean.

In fact, objective factors, if numerous enough, can overwhelm the importance of subject acceptance. It would be plain stupid if someone who is born and raised in Korea to Korean parents, speaks only Korean and has never left Korea suddenly claim he is no longer Korean.

From this, we can extract a unified theory of Koreanness: Koreanness is about how much, and how well, you buy into the idea of Korean group identity.

In this formula, “how much” refers to the subjective portion. How much do you identify with Korean group identity? Just a few examples about Korean group identity: Do you feel a personal connection to the people in Korean history? Do you cheer for Korean national soccer team? Can you live without Korean food? Does good news or bad news coming out of Korea makes you happy or upset you?

“How well” refers to the objective portion, because this portion would be judged by other people. The “how well” dimension of the same examples about Korean group identity would be: How much do you know about Korean history? Can you name three players in the Korean national soccer team? Do you know how to cook Korean food, or can you recognize well-made Korean food from junk? Do you follow the news coming out of Korea?

Mathematically expressed (because the Korean must enforce the stereotype!), the formula would be:

K = M * W

K = "Koreanness", value ranging from 0 to 1
M = "How Much", value greater than 0 and less than or equal to 1
W = "How Well", value greater than 0 and less than or equal to 1

Value of M and W can be equal to 1 but not 0, so that we can allow for a case where an objectively Korean person subjectively denies Koreanness, or an objectively non-Korean person subjectively accepts Koreanness. Yet for those who are neither objectively nor subjectively Korean, value K would infinitely approach 0, which is the correct result.

But Wait, Here is the Fun Part…

Up to this point, the Korean thinks there is not much disagreement. But the disagreement would come in the answers to the following two questions:

(1) How do you possibly assign numerical value to W? Remember, W is the only thing to which we can give value, because the value of M is self-given, while W is supposed to be an objective measure. Question is, is such a thing even possible? Who is going to determine the weight of each factor, and the gradation of each factor? The Korean is not even sure all individuals whose K value equals 1 would agree on the proper scaling of W value.

(2) Is there a particular minimal value of K that one must attain to be a “Korean”? Everyone would agree that K=1 would be fully Korean, and K=0 (after solving for limit function) would be a non-Korean. But what about K=.5? K =.25?

John’s brother-in-law would answer the two questions thusly (from what the Korean can glean):

(1) Completing military service and living in Korea must factor prominently in the calculation for W value.

(2) Yes. Korean immigrants’ M value would certainly be greater than 0, and their W value may as well be greater than 0. But their W value would not equal to 1, since they left Korea. So there is Korean immigrants’ K value is greater than 0. But John’s brother-in-law does not consider them “Korean”, which means there must be a positive K value under which people are not considered Korean. That K value could be fairly high -- the Korean can picture a situation where a Korean immigrant's M value would be 1 and W value would be .75 (if the person completed the military service but left Korea). The K value would be .75, which would not be enough for John's brother-in-law.

To be sure, these two questions will never be answered in an authoritative way – the answer will completely depend upon the individual. But at least this is a helpful way of thinking about group identity.

Here are the Korean’s answers to the questions:

(1) W value should not matter much, as long as it is just a little greater than 0. Having a little bit of Korean heritage (as little as third- or fourth-generation Korean, i.e. 1/8 or 1/16 Korean, or having spent some portion of one’s life in Korea, or marrying a Korean,) knowing just a few Korean words, enjoying Korean food, etc., would be plenty enough to get a W value a little greater than 0.

Instead, the M value should matter a lot more. In fact, instead of having a gradation, M value might have to be either 1 or infinitely approaching 0, because you either think you are a Korean or you are not. (But the Korean is not ready to rule out the possibility that M could be between 0 and 1 – for example, you could have a person who empathizes with Koreanness a little, i.e. M=.25, and another person who empathizes very strongly, i.e. M=.85).

(2) Yes, but the requisite K value would be very low, such that it can include people with low W value.

So there you have it. The Korean would love to hear your answers the two questions.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@hotmail.com.

The Korean's Summer Barbecue Recipe

The Korean strives to be a reasonable, even-keeled person, but he cannot help himself in one particular area: Korean food. When it comes to Korean food, the Korean will be more unreasonable than a tiger sports dad attending a peewee football game. He will be totally biased, irrational and obnoxious. He will utterly disregard the reasonable preference of everyone else. He will lose his shit and wantonly issue death threats to anyone who gives a bad recipe.

The most recent recipient of the Korean's rage is Mark Bittman, who presented this "Korean" recipe to the New York Times. Now, the Korean actually likes Mark Bittman's work, as Mr. Bittman presents great insights on food and food culture. Mr. Bittman also gave a clear disclaimer: "I will not (and cannot) claim that every element of this menu is legitimately Korean." And please, read the paragraph above just one more time -- the Korean is not a rational person when it comes to Korean food. He is a crazy raving lunatic. You don't have to listen to him.

Having said all that...

GO DIE IN A FIRE, MARK BITTMAN. Boston lettuce leaves for ssam? Why not eat sandpaper instead? And gochujang for ssam too? What are you, 10 years old? And who told you that there is such Korean food as "grilled scallion salad" and "Korean potato salad"? Where did you get your recipe from, David Chang?

And the greatest, most unforgivable sin of all -- soy sauce in kimchi. What the fuck. WHAT. THE. FUCK. The Korean nearly had a heart attack just reading that. Thanks asshole, soon all the trendy restaurants will serve soy sauce cabbage and call it kimchi (but pronouncing it "keem-shee".) Go to hell and die.

And the idiots who commented on the article about how gochujang (chili bean paste) is never made with beans, fuck you too. Gochujang is made with beans. Have you even seen a meju, dipshit? That's the fermented block of ground beans, from which doenjang, gochujang and ganjang are made. It also looks like your face -- ugly. Shut the fuck up if you don't know what you're talking about.

::::HYPERVENTILATING::::

Ok. Alright. Even amid this irrationality, the Korean still has enough sense to think: if you don't like something, don't just criticize -- offer an improved suggestion. So here are the Korean's suggested recipe for a real deal, backyard Korean barbecue.

The recipes, after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

What's Real in Korean Hip Hop? A Historical Perspective

Recently, Lizzie Parker addressed an important question in the Beyond Hallyu website:  what is "real" in Korean hip hop? 

The question of authenticity may pop up in any given genre of Korean pop music, because every genre of K-pop is an import. Yet the question of authenticity is particularly pressing in hip hop, because no other genre of pop music cares so much about "being real," to a point that authenticity is the genre's raison d'etre, as hip hop does. Indeed, even in the birthplace of hip hop, the quest for authenticity is elusive. (Is Jay-Z still real, even though he went corporate?) When hip hop is exported to a different cultural sphere, the hurdle of authenticity becomes ever higher.

Parker's article did a great job in identifying the elements of what is considered "real" in Korean hip hop. Consider this post a companion piece, about how the idea of authenticity evolved in Korean hip hop. This inquiry is necessarily a historical one. So let's jump right into history of Korean hip hop, and start with the pioneers.

I.  Pre-History:  Early 1990s

The very first piece of K-pop that may be considered "hip hop" appeared in 1989. Hong Seo-beom [홍서범], a moderately popular rock musician, recorded a song called Kim Satgat [김삿갓].

Even by today's standards, Kim Satgat's rapping, overlaid on funk beat, has held up surprisingly well. But Hong's attempt was clearly an experimental one. Hong never aspired to be a hip hop musician; Kim Satgat was a one-off, avant-garde take at the new form of music that was gaining ground in the U.S. at the time. In the popular recount of Korean hip hop's history, Hong name is rarely mentioned.

Instead, the K-pop artists who came after Hong, such as Seo Taiji [서태지], Hyeon Jin-yeong [현진영] and Lee Hyun-do [이현도] are usually considered the pioneers of Korean hip hop. But even with this corps of artists, the label "hip hop musicians" would be a stretch. Seo Taiji's first album in 1992 , for example, definitely caused a sensation with a historical rap number, I Know [난 알아요]. But hip hop was just one of the many musical styles that Seo Taiji played with; in his later albums, Seo drifted toward his original love, i.e. rock music. Lee Hyun-do and his group Deux showed more dedication to the genre, but Lee's creativity (at least for the music that he himself would perform) was cut short when Kim Seong-jae [김성재], Lee's partner in Deux and the animal spirit of the group, passed away under mysterious circumstances at the tender age of 23.

(More after the jump)

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

Time to Come Clean About my other Blog

(FYI, see the same post at Roboseyo here.)

OK, readers. It's time to be a bit more honest over here.

It all started with a bit of an experiment, playing around with anonymity on the Internet... but I really feel like the lie has gotten too big.

See, it started back in 2008, when The Korean from Ask A Korean! (now, with a festive exclamation point!) and I got together to do the "Why Do Expats Complain" series that really put Roboseyo on the map, back when nobody read my blog.

Well, that went so well, that The Korean and I (I even know his real name) have become quite good friends through e-mail correspondence, Skype, and stuff. I even chat online with The Korean Fiance when he's out. (She's really sweet, and hella smart.)

But here's the interesting thing... during the "Expats Complain" thing, one person e-mailed us and said that it seemed like there was an echo going on -- that our writing styles were so similar he suspected we were the same writer. That was amusing to us both, but you know, it's the internet... anything's possible.

So TK and I played around with that idea for a while: it became a running joke between us, and I'd put a phrase into a post that he'd recognize as similar to his style, or he'd do the same to me; nobody else would have noticed if they weren't looking for it, like we were. But then, in December, he asked me if I'd be interested in submitting a post for his site, and seeing if anybody'd spot that it wasn't him writing. So I wrote "Fan Death is Real" in January '09 -- I've always been a fan death believer myself, though deeply closeted, for the sake of the scorn people pour on believers, but I figured everybody's be shaking their heads so much with the "typical of a Korean" prejudice that nobody'd notice it wasn't The Korean's usual writing style.

Well, nobody even noticed a bit -- they just got into the back and forth on the comments, and barely paid attention to the different choice in adjectives.

Emboldened, TK sent me another shocker of a headline: you might not have noticed, but the "I want to Kill the President" post that went up on Roboseyo in March 2009, and discussed free speech in Korea, wasn't written by me at all. Did you notice? I don't know that anybody did.

So it worked... nothing else came of it, and things went on as normal, until a few months ago.

As you know, The Korean got engaged a little while ago, which, along with a promotion at work, left him with no free time to maintain Ask A Korean! at the standard he preferred. So he asked me to step in...

At first I was nervous about taking the extra work on, but honestly, the challenge of writing from a different perspective was so refreshing, I feel like it's been polishing my craft as a writer, so I've been writing both Ask A Korean! and Roboseyo since late January (switching from hotmail to gmail was so that I could manage the mail on an account separate from a few of The Korean's other important, connected online accounts), on the understanding that later, when I'm getting ready for my wedding, he'll take over Roboseyo for a little while.

However, the wheel of fate would turn yet again. Turns out The Korean's promotion led to another, bigger promotion (good for him, I suppose) and this means that, while he has enough time to keep commenting on The Marmot's Hole (that was never me), he's ready to set blogging aside for good.

Given that Ask A Korean! is more popular than Roboseyo ever was by an order of magnitude, and that the question and answer format is so simple the posts practically write themselves, and maintaining two popular, individual blogs is just a little too much, especially now that Hub of Sparkle's back online, I've decided to quit Roboseyo, and devote all my blogging time to Ask A Korean!.

I hope you don't mind, readers: I've really enjoyed doing the Roboseyo blog, and there might still be posts here, more aimed at my close friends and family (more stuff about the rash on my knee than the rash of celebrity suicides: personal, not social commentary), but you'll be happy to know that I'll still be blogging, if you just take the time to switch your bookmarks to Ask A Korean!. To avoid too much confusion, I'll change my own moniker to "The New Korean," to avoid being mistaken with the old Korean. And still feel free to send in translation requests: I have some friends I can farm it out to.

Finally: it's been a great ride. I'm grateful to my readers and especially all the people who left comments and wrote e-mails. I hope for your support at Ask A Korean! as well: Korea remains an inexhaustible topic, and Koreans are an inexhaustibly fascinating people, and i look forward to keeping up the exploration.

All the best, dear readers.

Roboseyo (The New Korean)

p.s. Check out my new "About Me" section here at AAK!

-EDIT 4/2/2010- Hope everyone enjoyed the joke. And a massive thank you to Roboseyo, who played the part superbly.