Monday, December 27, 2010

Best of the Worst 2010 - Part II

Keeping it going with the weird questions!  The Korean forgot how many of these there were -- looks like there will be a Part III in a few days, where the worst email of the year will be revealed. Again, these are all real emails that the Korean received, copy/pasted verbatim except for personal information.

More Heartbreaks

re: hi

hi
im sara.im iranian.im 22.i love korea.i like to be friend with a boy from korea.please

sara lopez


Iranian Latina is looking for love.

re: A Korean man’s woman

How do I know if he loves me? I just thought to throw the question out into cyberspace... Don't really expect to be heard or answered. He is Korean American but adopted by Caucasian folks. Some nights I miss him terribly... Interesting blog and appreciate your candor. He said he would meet my dad, but then I think he had cold feet. He has other women... ? I guess I am kind of ok with it... I am Taiwanese American. We are close in age. I have surrendered myself to him.

Diane L.


Funny thing about throwing the question out into cyberspace, Diane -- someone on the other end of the cyberspace is going to be hit with your crap. And then you will show up here.

re: (no subject)

Hi. My name is Michael. I have a question regarding a beautiful Korean masseusse named Mia. I went to an asian massage parlor a few months ago and Mia gave me the best 1 hour massage of my life. At the end she asked if that was it. Well, it wasn't it and it was happy. Although she does not speak english too well, we have pretty much bonded and I have gone there 20 or so times. It is strictly a passionate happy ending and nothing else. My intention is to stop this and possibly ask her to go out on a date with me. However, I have my concerns and she probably has hers. Hers may be why I went in the 1st place. Well, I am coming off a seperation leading to a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. I am a handsome 42 yr old Italian and Mia is 31. She has been in the US for 3 yrs (strange she doesn't speak better english) and is so warm and shy. She is absolutely different from the other massage therapists. She works 6 days a week, lives in the place she works and goes to Queens NY on her day off. She tells me what she does and we talk about education and the possibility of her buying a computer. She is very grateful for all my help.

Anyway, my concerns are these: 1. Not so much she does what she does. she has intentions of stoppiing and I'm sure the money must be good. weird she works so many hours. In the beginning it was clearly business and she seldom talked. 2. I don't have the nerve to ask her how she started this and am real scared if she says she was a prostitute in Korea. Your advice would be go on Match.com and leave her alone. That is probably the right answer, but, this woman is so sweet. We sometimes talk for a half hour passed our 1 hr session. I do have to stop it and would like your input. Thanks so much, Mike from New Jersey.


Mike, you pay money to have sex with this woman and you are worried that she was a prostitute back in Korea? What difference does it make?

re:  Korean Female First Name

Hi,

Great, great blog. I have a question about women's first names. You see, I have a most worrisome and difficult problem. I recently met one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She's Korean, and I immediately fell in love with her - all the way - I didn't even hear her voice yet. I don't do this often - it's happened twice before in my life - and now a third. There's a problem though(besides being capable of falling in love all the way on site!). She told me her name, but I was so nervous I can't remember it fully. I remember the second part of the first name and the last name(if my new and limited understanding of Korean naming traditions is correct). The first part of her first name is something like 'Tee', 'Ty', 'Tae', or maybe, 'Ta'. I can't remember! When I see her again - I cannot say her name incorrectly! I'd rather lose a finger! I would totally disrespect her. I hope you understand. I've spent hours trying to logically narrow down the list of possible Korean first names that start with a T. Sounding like: Tee, Ty, Ta. It can't be 'Tee' - I mean you drink Tea - right? Her name can't be Tea. I went so far as to go to the Korean owned local store and they kinda helped and kinda made fun of me - 'you drink Tea, haha, what do you mean Tea, hahaha'. So they told me that her name can't be 'Tee' because that would be Chinese(or apparently a beverage). My interent research tells me her name is most likely 'Tae' - like 'TaeKwonDo'. Man, I'm at a loss, and have spent hours now of the past couple days. I did discover that there may not be many Korean names that start with a T, so that kinda helps, but whew! I'm reaching out. I'm gonna go back to the Korean owned store today as soon as I think this out more!

Great articles on Korean naming traditions and prejudice of dark skinned people.

Most gratefully,

m


You know, TaeKwonDo sounds exactly right. It's a very popular girl's name. You should name your daughter that.

More weirdness after the jump.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

If a Troll Does Not Succeed at First, Try, Try Again

re: public restrooms question

Hi,
I have an odd question, I hope you will help me. I developed IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) a while ago and thanks to that I also developed a little bit of fear to places without a bathroom near by. Now a days I managed to fight it, but sometimes a bathroom is necessary. My question is one but I have to divide it in two hehe:
1. At least in Seoul, how often do you find public bathrooms?
2. This question is also important: My girlfriend (korean) says that since the World Cup, a law was created to help all foreigners who need a bathroom. So if you are a foreigner you can ask for a bathroom almost everywhere (buildings, etc), and this is getting better thanks to the World Toilet ASsociation whom has it headquartes in Korea.
I hope you can help me, because I have been looking for an answer with no luck. Once again thank you.

Bernal A.


re: Question About Public Toilets / Washrooms

Since Seoul is the host of the World Toilet Organization I was wondering these 4 questions:
1. How often can you find a bathroom in Seoul?
2. How are the conditions of the toilets?
3. It is true that almost each subway station or stop has its own toilet / restroom?
4. Maybe this is the most important one: Somebody told me Seoul made a rule in which all public entities (buildings, hotels, stuff like that) have to let the foreigner use the bathroom. Supposedly this rule was created before the World Cup.
Thank you.


Boy, that's some persistent trolling. And it's not even that funny.

No, We Do Not Look Alike

re: Kryptonite

Is there a Chinese spelling for Kryptonite?

Tani S.

You should ask a person who knows Chinese.

re: Can you translate this tattoo?

My boyfriend was stationed in Korea and got this tattoo while he was drunk and has no idea what it means. Can you tell me what it says?


Morgan H.

The Korean has a serious question -- how did "getting drunk and getting a tattoo in Asian characters" not make Stuff White People Like yet? Seriously, has this ever happened to a non-white guy in the history of mankind? And Morgan, the tattoo is in Chinese.

This Space for Insane Political Statements

re: Question?!.

TO: Citizen Of North korea & government

Without getting in any trouble, can you ask Mr. President Kim Of North korea to relaese The Americans in detention, please trade and do not hate us so much.

Question 2.) Can You Stop firing and scalating war aginst Your neighbour South korea?

Question 3.) Is it not easier for North korea to change it's constitution to Human rights, equal rights and more freedoms and attempt to unify with South korea like The Gemanies did.
IF Germany became one, why can the koreas become one living nation instead of a nuclear confrontation that will kill more millions than in 1950-53.

Prophecy has been fulfilled through 2 World Wars and the key to The New World Order is for The Eastern Nations and Western Nations to unify under The United Nations as an 8th king.

I am sure Washington D.C. and Moscow are willing to negotiate a re-unification free enterprise agreement for both of the koreas to become ONE KOREA.

Please do not invade South korea or use nuclear weapons, life only ends after Judgment Day and that is after Armageddon, but first prophecy.

DEATH is not The Solution to Living in a Future World with a PARADISE In MIND.
Do not bite the hand that feeds you, God has always been a Loyal Greatness.

Thank You if this words reach The N.k. government under President Kim.

Sincerely, Rigoberto R.
January 28th, 2010 Thursday, 9:05 P.M. EST.


There is something we haven't tried with North Korea -- asking them nicely!

re: (no subject)

why dont u fire a torpedo on a NK ship and finish this chapter?

Ketan M.


Because the Korean does not own a torpedo, Ketan.


re: Can 한국 attain salvation, Park TK?

Dearest Park Tae Kyung,

Since I have always been a service to others, verily, verily I say unto thee:

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them.

Yes I am with you always, until the very end of time.

You may turn your back. You may choose to ignore me with scorn in your gleaming eyes.

But I shall remain, for my middle initial is Z. If Z is taken away, then the bookholders
that consist of the letters A and Z will only have A, and people's books will not be able to stand.

A culture of ignorance is not what I wish to promote. If I had have read further instructions on how to
carry a cross better, maybe I wouldn't have almost been kicked out of the parade. Or maybe I should
have been kicked out and then I wouldn't have died. SHIT!

Jesus Z. Christ
- Because I am the FINAL letter of the law.


The Korean had thought he was a good Christian, but he did not realize Jesus Z. Christ swore so much.

Haters Gonna Hate

re: shut up korean

korean dogs fuck you. god damn u guys fucking korean. no penis stupid men.
korean only know how to fuck their brothers' assholes

- suruzhe


If you are going to hate, the least you can do is to make it totally insane, or insanely funny. Like the two examples below...

re:  Dog meat (srsly)

It is immoral to eat dogs because dogs are cute.
All human cultures (and even some animal cultures) share 5 basic
underpinnings of morality. The first of these is harm/care -- i.e.
the urge to feel compassion for the weak, nurture our young and
condemn malicious violence. One effect of the harm/care foundation
is that most non-sociopaths -- and, indeed, even many non-human
animals -- tend towards a uniform response when confronted with
something neotenous or "cute": we want to care for it, not hurt it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyWHznQHs4c
Cuteness components are pretty universal: large eyes, small nose, soft
body features, and infantile personality traits like playfulness,
curiosity, innocence and affectionate behavior. The evolutionary
underpinning of this whole thing is fairly obvious.
Applying these scientific (seriously) cuteness criteria, it's clear
that the domesticated dog is cuter than any livestock, e.g. the more
intelligent pig. The Russian silver fox experiment suggests this is
because when wild canids are bred purely for behavioral tameness,
neotenous physical traits emerge as a byproduct. Even within just a
few generations, the effect is remarkably pronounced. So, moral
people -- people exhibiting a strong harm/care foundation -- are
deterred from inflicting violence on domesticated dogs. As dogs have
become cuter and cuter over time, the practice of consuming dog meat
has died out. Plus, ancient civilizations that ate dogs often ate
ugly ones. The Aztecs, for example, bred hairless dogs specifically
for this purpose. And obviously dog meat is taboo in Mexico now, just
like it is in the civilized world. Dog meat is likewise verboten in
the Middle East (and has been for centuries), and Mesopotamia
developed agriculture long before Korea did.
Asian people seem to have a peculiar relationship with cuteness in
general. Girls buy those gigantic contact lenses and cell phones are
decorated with cutesy trinkets. In Japan, various government
bureaucracies have their own Pokemon-esque anthropomorphic mascots. I
visited the home of a Taiwanese friend whose grandmother obsessed over
Hello Kitty paraphernalia but callously neglected their actual dog.
Plus there are those zoos in China where patrons torture animals for
fun. What is up with this? Why are you people so fucked up?

- Anonymous Commenter


See? Great example of total insanity. Or alternatively, try this one...

re: Wow

Dear Korean,
Perhaps our "pathetic ability to say hello" has the same base as when a Korean walks up to an American expatriate is clearly reading in a public place and a Korean walks up to us and insists on talking to us in Engish. Perhaps what you see as "Yellow Fever" is an American expression of wanting to be friendly. After all, the first thing I ask a person whether he's from New York, Ohio, Xian, Toyko or Pusan (oh, sorry, Busan).
My question is this: If the purpose of your blog is to educate people, why insult them, consistently? It sounds like you're trying to act cool for your friends. You come off as the Korean equivalent of an ugly American. And from what I learned of Korean culture in the two years I spent in Seoul, that's pretty sinful, is it not?
It sounds like you're suffering from culture shock or culture fatigue -- it causes depressiond irritability. Do what I did when I had the same problem after several years in Germany, Korea, Peru and several other countries. Go back to a place where you don't feel it.
Or perhaps you feel it everywhere. Being a little less snotty might help. After all.
I'd say, Anyongkeseyo, but I'm really not feeling it. I'll just say, rather than posting my question to make fun of it, why not just answer it internally in front of a mirror -- truthfully -- and have done? I'm not impressed enough to have you print it, and won't be returning to your blog to find out anyway.
--
Mark W. W.
An American whose proud of his culture, his country, and his meager language skills.


But posting your "question" to make fun of it is so much more fun, Mark. And maybe you should not be too proud of your "Engish" skills.

The Cliffhanger Emails

re: Rev.panyasiri from in india

Dear,korean company I am buddhist monk from in india.I get your email
account,I want to know about your country.I like,korean traditional.


Gotta admit, there is something poetic about this email.

re: (no subject)

Hello! My name is heather and i work in geriatrics. One of my residents, kyung, speaks only korean and due to the language barrier i


Did your patient die in the middle of writing this email? That's the most plausible explanation for this, right?

Drum Rolls for Debbie S., the Worst Emailer of the Year

re:  How korean men are jealous
(no text in body)

- Debbie S.

re: What to do
I honestly lpve him.I text him and tell him that I love him.how much more do I need to do to get him to believe me.I brought him a promise ring to prove that I lpve him.any advice on to get him to believe me
Thank you

- Debbie S.

re: Why is he such a jerk.on chat line trying to find a girl. When he has someone who loves him and shows no feeling at all what do I do ..
(no text in body)

- Debbie S.


Debbie S. shows the value of teamwork -- while her emails, individually, are just run-of-the-mill strangeness, she made them work together to generate overwhelming creepiness. It was a nice effort, Debbie. But not enough for the worst email of the year.

Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.

10 comments:

  1. First day back on my spreadsheets following a fantastic Christmas with the family and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

    Thank you TK for the tears of laughter. If only I could repay you with native English speakers who know how to write in their own language.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who ever Morgan H is with the tattoo, you should try here:

    http://hanzismatter.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. I remember reading a story featured on Kimchi Mamas? or some other blog about Koreans about a Korean being tricked into becoming a prostitute. Mike's E-mail seems to fit into the story if memory still serves.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Too funny. After reading these e-mails people really need to Google "Lust vs Love". (hint: you're not in love)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ah, the internet. It's only further confirmation that House MD rule#1 is dead-on accurate: People are Idiots.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Some of these have got to be fake!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow. Reading these emails is like reading comments on a youtube video-- it's a collection of the world's best and brightest...

    ReplyDelete
  9. @tattoo 'long time in the military' am not a native speaker so no idea

    ReplyDelete
  10. the tattoo usually mean that your boyfriend will get longer and better in the future of fighting instead of long time in military, the first letter means "wushu" - martial art

    ReplyDelete

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